


Firefly

by Meatbunattack



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: A bit of violence but no torture, F/M, Fire Nation, Fire Nation Royal Family, Firebending & Firebenders, Follow main character through her years, Her parents may be a bit harsh, I did my best to base her younger years from my siblings, I try to 'evolve' her thinking through events, Inspiration speeches in beginning of chapters, Kids are smarter than you think, Kinda very harsh, Military Family, Noble family, Non Mary Sue, One time period/chapter, Please don't be too harsh on me, Short chapters that become longer, female main character, it gets better as the story progress, other pairings as well, slow build up, small prodigy, there is a reason for everything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 41,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8953648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meatbunattack/pseuds/Meatbunattack
Summary: To create a fire, you need that small spark. That is what the Fire Nation has always been about; to create fire. The war started with the spark of greed. The air nomads were destroyed by the spark of doubt. Our country’s rule spread through the spark of superiority. Now, I will create a new spark. I will create a new fire - a fire which will outlast all the others. No one will be able to deny that a woman can wield a power equal to any man.Non maru-sue Female character. Future relationship. Follow the characters development through the years. (hiatus because of real life. Will pick it back up as soon as I'm able to.)





	1. Meeting Firefly

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, Meatbun here!  
> My first story here is a avatar the last airbender fanfic. Woo!  
> I have written a lot of chapters for this one already, but it's not finished. So I'll try to update this story maybe once every second week. If I get inspired to write on it, I'll be even further ahead than I already am, which is good!  
> I tend to stay away from large blocks of text so it'll be easier to read. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

“Information is power.”

That is something my dad has always told me. Despite throwing aside most of his other teachings, that is something that has always stayed with me through my whole life. It is what has made me into who I am today. That teaching has helped me survive through all this; what has made me strong and confident.

* * *

My back burns as I slide against the floor from a powerful kick daddy hit me with in my stomach. I am dressed in a sleeveless red and yellow kimono top in my size with matching short, red pants. I cough, clutching my stomach as I roll over to my side to regain my breath from his kick.

_Why does it hurt so much…?_

Daddy sighs slightly when he sees me on the floor, still gasping for air. He walks forward and gently lifts me up to my feet, brushing away my short, black hair from my sweaty face so he can see it clearly. I lean on my daddy, exhausted and he lets me do that for a few seconds before he pushes me away from him to stand straight. Our identical amber colored eyes meet, mine exhausted and daddy’s blank.

“That is enough for today Hotaru. Tidy up and then meet me at the study to practice your calligraphy.”

_But writing is so boring… why do I have to do it? Can’t I draw pictures instead?_

I do not tell daddy what I really want to say but instead take a step back, bowing low even though I am exhausted, just like I am supposed to do.

“Yes, father.”

I stay bowed until he has left the room, straightening up with a small wince as I feel my back hurt more. I touch my back slightly, feeling tears gather in my eyes at the pain. I then slowly make my way towards the second door in our training room so I can make it to the bathroom. I know Nanny will be there to help me bath, but I have to get there by myself. I feel my body hurt more as I continue to walk and my tears flow down freely down my chubby cheeks, sniffling a few times as I walk through the room.

_N-no! No crying! Daddy says it’s bad! And-and I don’t like the heat! The heat is bad! No crying!_

I wipe off the tears off my cheeks, feeling that my cheeks are really warm. I place my hand against my cheeks, clapping them a little to stop crying. I do not cry anymore, but I am still really warm. It always feels warm when I am crying, I do not like it.

_N-nanny will shower me cold. The heat will leave then. Nanny always chase away the heat! She’s really nice! Mommy is also nice, but not like nanny. Mommy teaches me a lot, just like daddy. I hope daddy doesn’t go on a trip soon, I don’t like seeing mommy sad when daddy is gone._

When I open the door, Nanny is already there waiting for me. She gives me a warm smile, just like mommy gives me. Her eyes are grey instead of mommy’s yellow ones, but I like the look she is giving me. Nanny softly takes my hand in hers and lead me to the bathroom to shower me off.

“You did great today, Hotaru. You are getting better and better. How old are you, again?”

I smile at her, keeping my back straight even though it hurts to do so. I do not want nanny to worry about me.

“I am three, nanny. I will become four in two weeks.”

Nanny smiles brightly at me, squeezing my hand slightly while she tucks away a lock of curly brown hair that has escaped the bun she has on the top of her head.

“That is wonderful, darling! I am sure your father will be home this time, then we can have a party for you with all of us together.”

I grin brightly, doing a small jump in the air in joy and completely forgetting the pain in my body. Daddy could not come to my third birthday because he got a month long mission two weeks before that. I hope he can come this time!

“Yeah! Oh, I’m sorry! I mean, I would be really glad if that happened.”

I can feel heat on my cheeks when I do not talk politely to nanny, looking down at the floor to not meet her eyes. She would look at me with disapproval, just like mommy and daddy would do if they heard me say something like that.

_I hope nanny doesn’t tell daddy… I don’t want daddy to be angry with me, he always get scary when I don’t talk politely. But I hope daddy can stay for my birthday. It would be so much fun to celebrate with him, mommy and nanny. If daddy is home, then mommy won’t be sad. And if mommy isn’t sad, then she’ll give me birthday kisses and hug me. Just like she does when I do something good. Nanny has told me about birthday kisses and given me one. I hope mommy can give me one too._

* * *

“Father. Why do I have to learn calligraphy? Do I not get to learn it in school?"

Daddy looks down at me from the other side of the study table, placing the scroll he is reading in his lap to address me properly. His amber eyes are blank with his black hair tied up in a tight knot at the top of his head to show authority. When I turn four, I will also have a top knot, just like daddy. He has promised me that. Daddy look over the sign I have just painted on the rice paper before me, nodding in approval even though a few lines for ‘law’ is a little messy.

“Because information is power. By learning how to write, you have control over that information. You will learn how to store it, how to send it and how to receive it.” There he paused, looking at me sternly. “I refuse to have an illiterate daughter.”

I think over his answer for a few seconds before I bow at his wise words. I then continue on writing small signs on the patch of rice paper, daddy going back to reading his scroll. The task for today is to write all the signs I know and then have daddy look over it to spot any mistakes. If I get four signs wrong, we will move on to firebending even though I am still exhausted from our martial arts training. If I get everything right, I will learn new letters.

_I will do my best to make daddy happy! I want daddy and mommy to be proud of me, so I will do as they say and not complain. If I complain, they won’t give me smiles and hugs, they will be angry. I don’t like them angry, so I’ll do my best!_

I do my best to get everything right and sit nervously as daddy look over my calligraphy. It is hard to write, my hand always start to shake and I am unsteady. I always do my best to take it slow so that the lines will be as straight as possible. But I do not have the patience yet. Daddy says that it is okay, that I will grow more patient as I get older. But I still want to be better, so that mommy and daddy can be proud of me. They do not praise me that much, so I always get super happy when the do. Then I have done something really good.

Daddy look over the letters one by one before he turns to me, putting the papers down on his wooden work desk. Daddy has a really nice study. It has a lot of wood furniture and everything is neat and organized. Books are in one shelf and scrolls in the other. When I grow up, I want to have a nice study just like daddy's. He nod slightly.

"We will now proceed to writing new letters."

I smile widely as I succeed, nodding with my Amber eyes sparkling in glee. I made daddy proud!

* * *

I wake up early in the morning when I hear hurried footsteps pass by my room. Blinking the sleep out from my eyes, I crawl out from bed with my small stuffed dragon clutched to my chest as I make my way towards the door. I quietly slide it open, looking in the direction the footsteps were walking in. It is towards the exit, is nanny going out shopping? But she does not shop this early. I walk in the same direction as the footsteps and as I get closer to the exit, I can hear voices. They sound angry and sad.

_I hope mommy and daddy aren’t fighting again. Mommy always get so sad when they do and she always look angry at me._

“-mission, Xiao li. I cannot refuse his direct order. I have to go.”

“But her birthday is tomorrow… Can’t you stay for a few more hours at least? Please…”

I stop when I hear what they are talking about and I can feel tears gather in my eyes. Daddy… He has to leave on a mission again… Now I will do my morning exercises alone and practice calligraphy with mommy when she is sad. I clutch my blue dragon harder to my chest, closing my eyes tightly to force down the tears when I feel that heat again.

_N-no! Bad heat! Go away! Bad tears! Not when mommy and daddy are here! E-even though daddy will go away again, I can’t cry! Daddy will be mad! I don’t want daddy mad!_

“Hotaru.”

I flinch slightly at daddy’s hard tone and make a final attempt to push down my tears once again before I walk the last steps around the corner so mommy and daddy can see me from the door on the other side of the wide room. I bow down to him politely, still holding onto my dragon.

“So you are going away again, father…” I state sadly when I straighten up and look at him. His gaze is blank and they meet mine for a few seconds before they move down towards the stuffed dragon I am clutching to my red-clad chest. His eyes harden at my dragon and I can see mommy look between daddy and me in concern which automatically make me hug my dragon tighter.

“What is that?” Daddy asks me, still staring at my dragon. I start to get worried when his eyes start burning like fire, burning like they do when he is angry.

_What does daddy have against Ryuuji? He hasn’t done anything wrong…_

“Come here.”

I follow daddy’s order, walking forward timidly, forgetting to keep my posture straight because of my worry for Ryuuji.

“Back straight, chin up.” Mommy says harshly and I quickly comply, meeting my mother’s yellow, stern gaze. She nods in approval and her eyes grow softer when she sees how good I am. I smile when I realise that I have made her happy, my eyes trailing towards her soft, black curls.

_When I grow up, I’ll have the same beautiful hair as mommy. Daddy says short hair is better for training but I will grow my hair out tomorrow when I become four! I will be strong like daddy and beautiful like mommy!_

I meet daddy’s gaze again when I have stopped two feet away from them, bowing slightly to him. His eyes also shine with approval and he holds out his hand, as if I am supposed to give him something. I stare at him for a few seconds before I look down at Ryuuji and look up at him again. Daddy nods; he wants Ryuuji. I hesitantly lay Ryuuji in daddy’s open palm and daddy easily envelops my stuffed animal with his fist, squeezing it tightly. I flinch slightly when he glares at my blue dragon with disgust as he looks into Ryuuji’s black button eyes.

“Where did you get this?”

“I received it from nanny on my last birthday, father. Ryuuji has been with me for almost a year now.”

Daddy glares down at me harshly when I finish and I can feel mommy’s hand on my shoulder.

“Ryuuji?”

“Yes, she came up with the name all by herself.” Mommy says, trying to calm daddy down. Instead, daddy glares at mommy too, gripping Ryuuji tighter as he brings my dragon down to his side.

“So you knew about this nonsense, Xiao li.”

_Daddy is really angry now… But why is he angry? Is that why nanny and mommy told me to not show daddy Ryuuji when daddy was finally home? But Ryuuji hasn’t done anything wrong. He has just stayed in my room under my pillow on the day._

Mommy flinches when daddy looks at her and she grips my shoulder a little tighter. I continue to stare at daddy.

“Y-yes, but it is just a stuffed animal; I do not see any harm in her keeping it.”

“This.” Daddy says, bringing up Ryuuji in front of his face to glare at my animal again. “Is just a waste of her time.”

My eyes widen at what happens next, Ryuuji starts burning in daddy’s hand. I can feel my eyes tear up again as I watch how Ryuuji slowly burns up in daddy’s hand. That heat comes back and I start to cry as I watch my dragon burn up.

_No… Ryuuji… He-he is my friend! Why would daddy hurt my friend? He hasn’t done anything wrong! Or maybe Ryuuji has stolen a cookie without asking… But Ryuuji didn’t steal a cookie! I didn’t steal a cookie either! Why would daddy burn up my friend?_

Daddy let Ryuuji drop to the ground and when he hits the floor, he breaks apart into ash. I stare at Ryuuji as the fire slowly burns away the last of him until it is just a pile of ashes with two button eyes. I crouch down and carefully take out the two button eyes and clutch them in my hand as I silently cry for my lost friend. Mommy does not have her hand on my shoulder anymore…

“Pathetic; crying over a stuffed animal. I will not tolerate you creating any unnecessary attachments like this. You are turning four tomorrow; make sure to get rid of that habit when I get back.”

I hear the door close behind daddy when he leaves and I can soon feel mommy’s arms wrap around me to comfort me. No, comfort both of us. I keep the button eyes, but like I promised daddy, I did not grow attached to any stuffed animal after that. I got a present from mommy on my birthday, a small fire emblem necklace, but she would not eat cake with me and nanny.

_I hope… I hope we can celebrate my birthday next year, everyone together. I don’t like mommy being sad. And I don’t like seeing daddy angry either… I hope daddy comes back soon, I don’t like that mommy don’t look at me in my eyes..._


	2. Nervous Firefly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotaru is helping her mother and speaking about an important event with her father.

“One small flower can turn into a meadow.”

How true that is. If just one flower starts to grow somewhere, more will follow. And soon, there will be a meadow. If just one raindrop falls, more will surely come and cause a storm as they fall in unison. If _Just. One. Person_ seeks to make a change, more people will dare to step up and join them. And as this _one_ becomes _many_ , courage will be theirs, and nothing will be able to stand in their way. If just one spark awakens, it can grow into a mighty wildfire. And burn _everything_ in its way, letting the world be born anew from the ashes.

A spark. That is all it takes.

* * *

I clutch the button eyes from Ryuuji tightly to gather courage as I am standing in front of Daddy’s office. Even now when I am two months away from becoming five, I still have Ryuuji’s eyes to comfort me when I need it. And right now, I need all comfort I can get. Nanny is in town to buy food and mommy is tending to the small garden we have in our backyard. Daddy has called me into his office, saying that it is something important. But what is it that could be so important? Why would he cancel one of our calligraphy lessons to talk to me? And why am I feeling so nervous?

_I… I haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe daddy wants to talk about a new firebending technique. No, then we would be in the backyard… So why does he want to talk to me in his own study? Is… Is he angry with me? Has he noticed that I forgot to do a morning exercise one day when he was away? Does he want to punish me for sleeping in one day? But why would he punish me for that? It shouldn’t be any problem to skip morning practice one day, daddy has told me that it was okay before. So what could it be?_

I take a deep breath, placing Ryuuji’s eyes in my pocket before I softly knock on the door.

“Come in.”

I slide open the door, bowing towards my father who is sitting by his desk before I step in and close the door behind me. I walk towards his desk, my back straight and chin held high just like I have been taught and stop two feet away from his desk. Father arrange a few more papers on his desk before he looks down at me with a blank gaze. I wonder what he is thinking behind those blank eyes; is he proud of me? Is he disappointed? Does he wish that mommy could have gotten him a better child?

_It wouldn’t be bad to be a big sister. I would take care of my sibling really well, much better than mommy and daddy. Mommy and daddy easily get angry if I do something wrong, so I would be nice when they would do wrong. I would hug them and give them birthday kisses, just like nanny does._

“Hotaru, tomorrow you will accompany me to a very important gathering. The higher officers and their families have been invited to a play set up in the Ember Island theater by the Fire King’s first born son, the esteemed Crown prince Iroh. Afterwards, we will attend to a party at the Crown prince’s house and you _will_ behave. You will not run off on your own, you will not say unnecessary things and you will only speak when spoken to; is that clear?”

I let the information sink in for a few seconds and I frown slightly in confusion. Why would father decide to bring me with him to such an important party? Much less a play. He has never payed attention to me before, so why now? Is it because my fighting and firebending skills have gotten so much better? Is it because my calligraphy have become better? No, it has to be something else. There is something I’m missing. Why would daddy tell me to behave even though it is obvious that I would?

“Yes, father. I understand. But may I ask why I am to come with you on this occasion? Why not attend with mother?”

Daddy’s eyes shine slightly in approval when I ask this question and I can feel pride swell in my chest when I see this. I have noticed quite recently that it is good to think about all the ‘why’s in daddy’s orders and explanations. Always, when I ask, he would be proud over me. Mommy tells me that it is because it shows that I am smart, that I can think for myself and not just follow orders. But she also warned me to not ask ‘why’ too often, because it would be like going against him. But this time, I did right in asking why.

“I believe that the time has come to introduce you to your future peers, Hotaru. I am sure that you can handle yourself well among them."

The pride in my chest grows slightly larger and I can’t help but smile up at daddy.

_He-he’s proud of me! He’s proud of me! He loves me and he wants to show me off to his friends! He wants to show how good I am! I am going to be at my best tomorrow! I won’t let daddy down! I haven’t let him down before and I won’t let him down tomorrow!_

“Now, you are dismissed for today. Go and help your mother in the garden.”

“Yes father!” I say happily, bowing once again before I run over to the door to exit his office. Just before I close the door, daddy calls out to me.

“Hotaru! Do not run like that; only run when training or in a hurry.”

“Understood. I apologize for my mistake, father.”

After I close the door, I walk fast down the corridor towards the garden, the wind blowing my short-sleeved red kimono top and red skirt slightly behind me. It also tries to release my black hair from its bun on the top of my head, but instead makes my straight bangs get in my eyes since it does not succeed in releasing a single strand thanks to mommy’s knowledge in doing top knot hairstyle. I pick up my pace, excited to tell mommy the news that I will be going with daddy to a party for important people.

When I reach the lawn, I immediately see mommy over by the greenhouse, trimming some rose bushes climbing up the side of the glass house. I quickly walk over to mommy, my huge smile still in place.

“Mother! Father just told me that I will be attending to an important party tomorrow! He said that he wants to introduce me! He is proud of me! Are you proud of me, mother?”

Mommy turn towards me, abandoning her mission in trimming the bush for now so she can focus on me instead. She looks worried for some reason and that makes me confused.

_Why should she be worried? She should be happy! Daddy just said that he’s proud of me! That he loves me! She should agree with daddy and say that she loves me too. But why is she worried? Will something happen if I go? Will something happen to mommy?_

Mommy slowly smiles at me, clutching the skirt of her dress slightly. I notice it; she is really nervous. But what should she be nervous for?

“That is splendid news, Hotaru; I am proud of you, too. You are such a good and polite girl; you have been taught well.”

My confusion disappears when she praises me as well, all thoughts about mommy’s worry gone. After all, it is just a party where daddy will introduce me; nothing special will happen. I will stay by daddy’s side and be nice just like he wants me to be. Mommy soon smiles with me and she goes back to her task in trimming the rose bushes while she addresses me.

“Pull out all the weed by the tiger lilies, it is useless to have trash by such beautiful flowers.”

I nod happily, walking over to the flowerbed filled with tiger lilies and proceed to pull out all the unnecessary weeds and grass that have grown in between the red flowers. I notice a small, beautiful white flower closer to the middle of the flowerbed. My eyes widen in wonder as I look at the flower, softly stroking it’s small, oval flower petals surrounding the yellow circle that is the pistil.

_This flower is nice and pretty. I don’t think mommy wants this one from the tiger lilies. I’ll show it to her once I’m done with the weed, she’ll be so surprised and happy. A small white flower in the middle of red ones, it’s beautiful. Although… It looks kinda lonely… Maybe more friends will grow now that one is growing! Then, the tiger lilies flowerbed would be even more beautiful with red and white!_

I smile at the white flower while I continue to remove stray grass and plants that should not be with the tiger lilies. Once I have a decent pile of weed that I’ve pulled away from the flower bed, I am done. I softly stroke the flower again before I stand up to approach mommy.

“Mother, I have finished clearing up the weed in the tiger lilies flowerbed now.”

“Good work Hotaru. Once I am done here, I will teach you more signs to write.” Mommy says, still focused on the rose bush she’s working on. She is almost done, but I really want to show her the white flower.

“Mother, there is something I would like to show you in the flowerbed. Would you please look at what I have found?” I ask her with a small bow and a smile. Yellow eyes look into my amber ones and she is a little confused by my request. Mommy cuts off a few more branches before she answers me, putting down the garden scissor to follow me.

“Very well. What is it you have to show me?”

The two of us walk over to the tiger lilies flowerbed and I crouch down on my knees, gently pushing apart the lilies to show the small white flower in the middle of the flowerbed, smiling softly at its small form.

“A new flower has started growing in the flowerbed.”

Mommy sighs loudly in disappointment and I look up at her in confusion when I see her disappointed gaze. What have I done wrong? She told me to only remove the weeds and ugly plants. This plant is beautiful so it fits there, does it not?

“Hotaru, you were supposed to discard all the trash. That white Daisy is not a tiger lily, therefore it does not belong in that flowerbed. Remove it.”

“But, mother. Why is it trash? I think this flower is beautiful, does it not deserve to grow together with the beautiful tiger lilies as well?” I ask her, frowning slightly. Mommy crouches down, ripping out the pretty daisy from the roots, making me flinch at how harsh she is. Mommy holds up the flower for me to see, a stern look in her eyes.

“This is not a tiger lily therefore it will not grow in the same flowerbed as the tiger lilies. You cannot mix two species in one place, it would end up in disaster. Therefore, the weaker and smaller one has to be removed to keep the larger ones strong. They simply cannot mix, not at all.”

“But, why can’t it still grow there. It is just one single flower.”

Mommy looks at me with disapproval, dropping the daisy into the pile of weed next to her. I watch as the Daisy land on the pile, a little sad that such a pretty and small flower cannot grow any further. But I am more sad that mother doesn’t approve of my way of thinking. It is just one flower, and it is pretty in its own way.

“Remember this, Hotaru. One small flower will always turn into a meadow of flowers in the end.”

I look after mommy as she walks back to the rose bush to finish the last parts of her trimming. I gently pick up the daisy, brushing it’s soft petals gently.

_How can something so pretty and small get so bad? A flower isn’t bad, it’s gentle and have a nice smell. Why doesn’t mommy like daisies? Is it because she likes the tiger lilies more? And why can’t the daisies grow between the tiger lilies? Then the flowerbed would be even more beautiful._

I snip off the root of the daisy with my fingernails and place the flower behind my ear to keep it. I then gather up the weeds and walk over to the compost box to discard them. Maybe daddy will allow me to wear this daisy on the gathering tomorrow, maybe it makes me look pretty like mommy.

* * *

I am nervously clutching the skirt of my dress as I follow after daddy towards the party house. I cannot remember the name of the play we watched, but it was very entertaining. But now we are walking towards the ‘highlight’ of this day. I am wearing a fancy yukata bought specifically for this occasion. The yukata has the traditional red color and the pattern for it are yellow and orange fireflies. Daddy said that it would highlight my name, since it means firefly. I do not have the courage to ask mommy and daddy why they chose that name for me, but I like the yukata anyway.

_The yukata daddy bought me is really pretty, it’s almost like the fireflies will burst out and start flying around me! I wonder if you can do that with firebending, making small balls of fire twirl around you. Maybe I should try it sometime! Daddy would be proud of me if I could do it! I wonder what the others will think of me, I don’t want daddy to be disappointed in me… And I still haven’t figured out why daddy wanted me to come and leave mommy at home, are there going to be other children there? Oh! I haven’t had a friend since Ryuuji! It would be great if I could get a friend!_

When we reach the door to a really large and fancy house at ember island, close to the mountain leading to the fire lords house, a kind-looking man opens the door for us. He has black hair and grey eyes. His beard consists of thick sideburns and a small triangle beard separated from the sideburns on the middle of his chin. He has his hair in a top knot just like me and daddy and he wears a more detailed armor that daddy does. Maybe this is the Crown prince, daddy always said that the more detailed the armor is, the higher rank they have.

“Ah, Lieutenant Gin! I am glad you could come.” The man greets kindly with a smile. He then notice me standing next to my father and his smile grows warmer when he sees me. “And who might this little lady be?”

I look up to daddy, silently asking permission to speak. Daddy nods in encouragement and I see approval in his eyes. I bow low towards the Prince, a small smile on my face. Not large enough to seem impolite and not small enough to seem shy.

“My name is Hotaru, Prince Iroh. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

The prince seems surprised when I greet him back and I can see a small flicker of sadness in his eyes as he looks at me, but it quickly disappears and gets replaced by a smile. He bows back to me and I get embarrassed that a general would bow to me, daddy has told me that you put yourself underneath the person you bow to, that is why I have to bow to mommy and daddy but not to nanny. I still do not know why they have taught me all this when I am still so young.

“It is a pleasure to meet you as well, miss Hotaru.”

“P-please, Prince Iroh. I-I do not deserve to be bowed down to.” I tell him kindly, holding up my hands in slight panic. I glance up to daddy, but he is just staring at me with a blank stare.

_D-did I say the right thing? Did I say what daddy would want me to say? Did I look like a big girl then? Do I act like a big girl? If I don’t act like a big girl, daddy would be mad at me. I don’t want daddy to be mad, he’s scary when he’s mad. Mommy too. If I don’t be polite like they’ve told me to be, they’ll get angry. I don’t want them to be angry._

I look back to the Prince with a nervous smile when I see his confused look. “I-I am just five, Prince Iroh. You should not bow to someone as young as I.”

The man smiles widely, gesturing us inside by stepping to the side.

“Nonsense, every woman deserves to be bowed to no matter the age.”

I blush at his compliment, nodding towards the Crown prince but still keeping close to daddy, just like he wanted me to do. Prince Iroh close the door behind us and a servant steps up to father to remove his cloak for him to show his full armor. The Prince stays with us, his warm smile still in place, and daddy face him with a smile after the servant has hanged up his cloak on a clothing stall near the door.

“Thank you for inviting us, Prince Iroh. It is truly a pleasure to be here.” Daddy says and then bow down to the man. I bow as well, knowing that if I do not bow with him, daddy will force me to. Daddy does not want to show weakness while I stand straight. Mommy does not mind if I do not bow with her when she bows to people who visit our house here on ember island and our house at the Fire Nation city we live in. But daddy would react strongly to me not bowing with him.

“Please, lieutenant, the pleasure is all mine. Thank you for coming to celebrate my sons birthday.” The Prince says, lifting a hand in front of him once we have straightened ourselves. Prince Iroh brings his attention back towards me and his smile becomes softer for some reason. I feel a little nervous when I feel that my daddy gets angry over this. Why would he be angry? Have I done something wrong?

“Would you like to join my son and the other children here? I am sure you would be much more comfortable with them than with the adults.”

I hesitate, looking between daddy and the Prince, an inner conflict on who to choose. Prince Iroh has a warm smile while daddy looks cold. If I stay with daddy, I will be a good girl and I will not have to face any kind of punishment when I get home. But it would be nice to finally meet other children and interact with them. I have not started in school yet and mommy and daddy have not allowed me to go out and find someone to play with. Not even with their supervision. I cannot understand why, but that is just how it is for me.

_Maybe… Maybe I can be with the children for just a moment. Just a moment and then I’ll go back to daddy. I-I’m sure he wouldn’t mind it…_

I’m just about to answer Prince Iroh when daddy interrupts me, making me tense up slightly at the ‘almost irritated’ voice he is using. Have I done something wrong?

“Prince Iroh, with all due respect, I brought my daughter to meet the adults here at the party. It would be much better for her future if she spoke to them.”

“Ah, it is wise to think of her future lieutenant, but she is still a child. Let her enjoy the party with the children while you can speak to the adults on her behalf.” The general says, an easy going smile on his face. Daddy looks conflicted but soon relax his tense shoulders. He bows down to Prince Iroh in respect.

“Certainly, my Prince.” When he is standing straight once again, daddy looks down at me with a slight chill in his eyes. Am… Am I getting punished for this later? “Follow Prince Iroh and spend time with the other children, Hotaru. But do not run off or do pointless things.”

I cannot help but feel happy when he tells me to go with the Prince and I bow to him with my hands clasped in front of me. When I straighten up, I smile at daddy.

“Thank you, father.”

I then walk over to the Prince, who is holding out his hand for me to take, and hesitantly place my hand in his, letting him lead me towards the other children. I have not been lead by the hand for a long time. Last time was with nanny when we went out shopping together. That must have been months ago.

_His hand is so big… It makes me feel so small, but a good kind of small. I don’t like feeling like a big girl, I would like to feel like this. Small and don’t have to worry about anything. But I don’t think it will be like this after the party. Mommy and daddy don’t hold my hand, nanny doesn’t do it that much either. Maybe I can be more with Iroh after this, it would be nice to have someone other than nanny care for me this way._

The Prince and I weave through a lot of adults, a certain destination in his mind as the Prince pulls me after him. While we are making our way towards our destination, Prince Iroh decides to have a small talk with me.

“So, Hotaru. You are a very special and talented girl to be this well-mannered at such a young age. You must be attending to school already”

I blush slightly at his comment, looking down to the floor. “Y-you give me too much credit, Prince. I am sure I am no different from other children.”

Prince Iroh seems a little surprised at my answer if his voice is anything to go by. “Child, have you never met other children in your age?”

I glance up at the Prince, a little nervous by the shocked look in his eyes. I clench the fabric of my yukata tightly with my free hand as I keep my gaze locked with his and answers.

“No, Prince Iroh. Father and mother never allowed me to find someone to play with. They say that it is more important to train martial arts, firebending, calligraphy and read study material than to play with children. I am allowed to leave the house with nanny to go shopping, though, even if neither of my parents take me with them when they go outside. I usually interact with the honorable nobles and other adults who have visited our house from time to time, since father wants to watch over my studies personally for one more year before I attend to school.” I let myself frown in confusion when I see the sad look in the Prince’s eyes, clutching the fabric in my hand a little tighter to try and fight down the heat that is building up inside of me.

“Is it… Is it not normal for a child to live like this, Prince Iroh?”

Prince Iroh smiles at me, stopping since we have passed most of the people in the big hall and stand against a wall to not be in the way. The Prince lets go of my hand, crouching down to be more equal with me in height and place his large hands on my shoulders. I still see the sadness in his eyes but even so, he is smiling at me.

_But why would he smile when he’s sad? And why is he sad? Was it something I said? Or is it because he doesn’t want me to meet the other kids anymore? Maybe, I’m too special to meet them… Is that why he’s sad?_

“No… I will not lie to you and say that it is normal to be raised like that because it is not. No child at your age should dedicate themselves to training and studying when you are so young, not even princess Azula, who is also prodigy in our family like yourself and her grandfather, has such a well refined vocabulary as you have. Neither does she practice in firebending until she is four years old. What your parents are making you do is not something children should do at your age.”

“But… But why do they get angry with me if I forget myself and talk, stand or do things differently than they have taught me, then? Is it not how every parent is like?”

The Prince gets even more sad when I say this, but I do not understand why. How am I special? I thought that every child can grow at a fast rate if they wanted to. Does that mean that other children do not have that ‘want’ to advance quickly? Was I born with that ‘want’ or did mommy and daddy make me get that ‘want’? Judging by the Prince’s reaction, I suppose he is sad that I am ‘special’ rather than me being ‘too special to meet anyone’. But why would he become this sad if I am special? I thought people would be happy if I were special.

Then, Prince Iroh does something that no one has done for a really long time. Nanny never did it because she feared that daddy would see and get angry with her. Mommy and daddy never did it because… I do not know exactly why they would not do it. But right now, the thing I do know, is that Prince Iroh has enveloped me in a hug. A big, warm and comfortable hug.

I freeze up, not sure what to do in this situation as the Prince continues to hug me. Am I supposed to hug him back? But he is the Crown prince, it is impossible for me to hug a Prince, right? Daddy said that the higher position, the higher respect they should have. If I cannot hug my father, who is lieutenant, then I cannot possibly hug a Prince, much less a Crown prince.

“You poor child… How could any parent force their child to grow up so fast…”

I do not know what came over me, but a familiar, uncomfortable heat explodes within me and tears start to fall from my face. My throat is clogged up and I start to cry for real in a long time. All the emotions I have been keeping locked up, something that is really, really hard to do, suddenly burst out like a waterfall. I place my head against the Prince's shoulder, embarrassed that anyone other than the Crown prince would see me in this state.

_Daddy is never satisfied with me… He always makes me do katas and make me fight him until it hurts really bad… I sit for hours, just breathing, to practice firebending but daddy gets so angry when I don’t do a fire that’s as large as his… Mommy doesn’t want to look at me when daddy’s away… If I said a word wrong with her, she would hurt me… When I wrote something wrong, she would hurt me… If daddy saw me write wrong, he would hit me more in training… I can’t see other kids other than the nobles and they’re much older than me… I just… I just want them to like me, to love me, just like nanny have told me stories about… I… I wanna be a kid… I don’t wanna be a big girl… Just one day… I wanna be a kid for at least one day… I want mommy and daddy to love me, like a kid…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter posted! I hope you like my story so far. Kudos and comments are always appreciated. ^^


	3. Exploring Firefly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotaru is exploring some with her new friends, 5 years old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter! Later than I thought it'd be, but I hope you enjoy it.

“If you have to fight, you will  _ win _ .“

Losing is meaningless. They say you grow stronger from defeat; I know differently. Defeat breaks you, even if you will not admit it. In the real world “second chances” do not exist. If you lose, it is the end. You will not get to try again. As such, one should never get into a fight one is not guaranteed to win. Do not step up unless you are certain of victory. However, the world is an unforgiving place. It is seldom that one can have a “certain victory”. As such, one should always aim to end a fight before it begins, no matter the means one has to use to do so. The concepts of “cheating” and “an unfair fight” only exist for the sake of idiots. There is no such thing as “dishonest means”; only those who use their brains, and those who do not.

I prefer to use mine.

* * *

As I am sitting by my working table, alone in the room since mommy went outside for a short while to speak with daddy. I am doing simple calligraphy doing as fine strokes as I manage, copying the  words mommy has written herself. I soon hear mother approach the door again and I cannot help but listen in as much as I can on mommy and daddy's conversation.

"-making her rude and spend her time on unimportant matters."

"Please dear, she will benefit from it. They are royalty after all."

I do not know what it is that they are talking about exactly, but I can hear from daddy's tone that he is not pleased whilst mommy is calming him down. Who are they talking about? Royalty, that is the princes to the Fire Lord. But what would someone benefit from the Princes?

My thoughts are immediately abandoned when mommy opens the door behind me, making me turn around to see both mommy and daddy by the door opening. Daddy has his usual emotionless mask whilst mommy has a small smile on her face.

“Hotaru, Lu Ten is waiting for you outside. You are dismissed for the day.”

I smile brightly at mommy’s words and stand up from writing calligraphy, bowing to both mommy and daddy before I walk past then towards the exit. Ever since I met Lu Ten at his birthday party, he has given himself the ‘mission’ to make me act more like a child, which I am. I am really grateful to him, even though he did not know me, he decided to become my first playmate. He is ten years older than I am, but he does not mind playing with me. It was… strange to play for the first time, but I was soon overcome with joy with playing with the others.

I also got introduced to Zuko and Azula, Lu Ten’s cousins and children of Prince Ozai. Neither of them use ‘proper’ language like I do, so they are slowly ‘forcing’ me to use the improper speech they do when we speak to each other. It will most likely take me at least a few months until I can speak improperly with them without being reminded of it. It is really relieving to say and do anything you want without any disapproving gazes when I play with Lu Ten, Zuko and Azula.

Both Lu Ten and Zuko have a happy attitude towards everything while Azula and I mostly hang behind and watch the boys fool around. Me and Azula latch into a conversation when we do not join the boys in their mischief so you can call me and Azula friends. Although, sometimes I do not clearly understand why Azula likes destruction so much, it is something she has always liked. Iroh has called her a prodigy, like me, but I cannot see how she is a ‘prodigy’ when her vocabulary is worse than mine and her posture worse than mine as well. Perhaps it is because I have had a longer time to train it than her since I am one year older than her.

When I reach the hall of my house, I see Lu Ten stand in the door opening with a smile on his lips. Zuko and Azula are standing behind him.

“Hello, Hotaru. Are you ready?” Zuko asks me with a bright smile. We are going to explore a cave we discovered a few days ago today, even Azula seems excited by the adventure. I respond to Lu Ten’s and Zuko’s smiles with one of my own, putting on my sandals before I join the three children outside.

“Yes! This is going to be so exciting!” I tell them, smiling towards Azula as well. I then grab onto Lu Ten’s hand, proceeding to drag him down the road that will lead us towards ember island’s beach. “Hurry up!”

Lu Ten laugh at my excitement, prying off my grip on his hand to pat me on the head. “Calm down, Hotaru. We’ll go there together.”

I look back towards Azula and Zuko, my smile growing larger when they follow us down the stairs. Soon, they join me and Lu Ten and we together walk down the rest of the stairs so we can go to the cave we found.

“This is going to be great! Maybe we’ll find some wolfbats in there! Be careful so they won’t catch you, Hotaru.” Zuko says, teasing me. I flinch a little when he mentions wolfbats, remembering how badly they scared me last time we explored a cave. He just cannot let it go. Azula is not afraid of anything, as far as I know, same with Lu Ten and Zuko. Have they really not gone through anything that would cause them to be afraid of something?

“D-do not be ridiculous. Wolf bats do not catch people. Before they will be able to touch me, I will use my firebending to scare them away.”

“Hotaru, you’re doing it again.” Azula reminds me, a smirk on her face. I blush slightly in embarrassment, feeling an uncomfortable heat swell up inside me as I look straight ahead. The other three laugh at me and it causes me to heat up even more in embarrassment.

“So you can shoot flames, Hotaru?” Lu Ten asks me to change topic. I look up at the older boy with a wide smile, nodding happily.

“Of course! I... I’m great with my firebending, you ca...Can’t practice for two years and not be able to shoot flames.” I say, stumbling over my words slightly so I speak ‘impolitely’ instead. “I can even make shapes with it!” I then hold out my hand, making a bright fire flare to life in my palm about the size of my hand and bend it into the form of a bird, making the bird fly around my hand. Zuko leans forward, in awe at my flame just as the two seconds are up for my concentration and the bird turns back into a flame.

“That’s amazing Hotaru! I wish I can do that sometime! My flame is a little smaller than yours though...” He tells me, showing the flame he can bring forth, roughly an inch smaller than mine. I smile at Zuko, he has gone to school for a year now. I wonder why I can bring forth stronger flames than Zuko. Perhaps it is all about breath and that I have practiced for two years so even though I am younger, my flame is stronger than his. He is not upset over this though, he knows that I have practiced longer than he have.

“That’s great Zuko! My fire wasn’t that large a year ago! I am sure you would have been much better than me in firebending if father did not start my teachings much earlier than necessary.”

Zuko grins at my praise, making his flame disappear. I make mine disappear as well, wanting to save my energy. I have larger ‘energy reserves’ than most children in my age through my constant meditation, but that does not mean I can hold my flame alive constantly. You increase chi with meditating and fuel your fire more the more hatred and anger you feel.

But I do not like using my fire while thinking hateful things… I need to find something other than those negative emotions to fuel my flame. Maybe Lu Ten could know.

“Lu Ten?” I ask him, looking up at the older boy as we make our way across the beach towards the forest where we found the cave. The boy looks down at me, his grey eyes shining with warmth, just like his father’s.

“Yeah?”

“Is there another way to fuel firebending other than anger?”

Azula sighs when she hears my question, knowing I won’t talk to her right now unless she want to discuss this topic with me and settles on teasing Zuko, or ‘Zuzu’, to relieve her boredom while I talk to Lu Ten.

The older boy thinks for a while, scratching his chin in thought. I wait patiently while he thinks, blocking out the sound of Zuko and Azula bickering with each other. Lu Ten soon looks down to me with a thoughtful look.

“Well, I’m not sure. I have been learned that firebending is fueled with anger and hate, but I haven’t thought about using another emotion to fuel my bending. Father said that fire is the element of power but that that power doesn’t necessarily come from hate. The main thing about firebending is breath, not physical strength, so I suppose it could also be fueled by your resolve to control fire. I think father might have mentioned that fire is life, but I’m not sure what he meant by that. So maybe you can use your resolve to get better instead of using anger, it could be a start.”

I nod, smiling at the older boy’s wise words. Maybe I should ask Iroh about it, maybe he can explain it more clearly to me. With a small ‘thank you’ I turn towards Azula and Zuko, seeing that Zuko is about to get angry enough so that he might hit his little sister on accident. I push them away from each other, glaring at the two of them one time before I latch into a conversation about what Azula is doing back at the palace. Zuko walk up beside Lu Ten with a small huff in anger and start talking to him. This is really nice…

* * *

When we reach the cave, me and Lu Ten summon flames in our palms to light up our way. Thankfully, no wolfbats erupt from the cave when we light it up. Zuko is also holding a flame, although a smaller one which doesn’t give much light, and when Azula tries to summon a flame only a small flicker of blue erupt in her hand. She is taking ‘breathing lessons’ right now, so it comes as no surprise that she cannot summon a flame yet.

The four of us walk inside the cave, looking around curiously at the small, glowing stones latched into the cave walls from time to time. I have never seen these kind of stones before. They are giving a really small amount of green light into the cave. I see a relevantly loose, small stone in the cave wall and I run forward to the stone, yanking it off from the wall with my free hand as I study the stone closer. It is beautiful.

“Hotaru! Come on!” Lu Ten yell after me and I follow after them after I have placed the stone in the right pocket of my red knee-long shorts. I soon catch up to them and walk in the back of the group once again together with Azula.

“What would a seller would give to get one of these stones?” Azula asks dryly, looking around her at the small specks of light. “I’ve heard about these kind of stones. They're in the Earth Kingdom. I thought they couldn’t be here on Ember island.”

“Well, they can obviously grow here too, since they’re here.” Zuko comments back, holding up his flame a little higher to look closer at a few stones hanging from the ceiling. Before Azula can give a come-back which would obviously develop into an argument, I interfere with their quarrel.

“What are these stones called, Azula?”

Thankfully, Azula complies with not starting an argument and answers my question while looking at me. “I don’t remember. They are glowing crystals that the Earth Kingdom is famous for.”

“I wonder what’s at the end of this cave. Maybe we’ll find a huge crystal in the middle.” Lu Ten says, excited at the prospect of finding something that’s worth a lot. I smile, a warm feeling spreading through me again. This is really nice, I wish it could be this carefree and friendly with mommy and daddy as well. When I am with them, I have this constant pressure that I am supposed to act well like a polite lady. But here, I can be a child.

_ I’m so glad that Iroh could introduce me to them on that party! We’re going to be friends forever and ever and ever! Lu Ten is already like a big brother to me, and Azula and Zuko are two of my best friends, ever! Even better than Ryuuji! _

I see a small amount of light at the end of the cave, excitement filling up inside of me. Without thinking, I grab onto Azula’s hand and start to drag her towards the light.

“There’s light over there!” I tell them happily, hearing the two boys run after me soon after I have passed them. Azula rip her arm from my grip, but I do not let it affect me since I know she did that only because she sees it as me ‘babying her’ when I am dragging her behind me. The four of us get closer and closer to the light, our flames being extinguished because we do not need them anymore. Once we have reached the end of the tunnel, the whole wall is filled with those glowing crystals. My eyes widen in awe at the sight, same with the other three. Zuko is the first to run forward, touching one of the larger crystals.

“Wow, this is amazing.” He says, stroking the crystal softly. Me and Lu Ten also walk forward towards the crystal wall, leaving Azula to stand on her own. I try to tug off a crystal, but it is buried too much into the wall to get loose.

“Hmpf, I don’t see how some crystals are pretty. What’s so special about this?” Azula says and when I look at her, she’s looking off to the side with a hard look in her eyes. I don’t know why she looks so angry, but I know that she is somewhat fascinated at least.

“Come on, Azula. I know you like this too.” I tell her with a grin. Azula just glance at me for a second before she once again stare at the cave wall that is not filled with crystals. She did not respond, that means that she either agrees or does not feel the need to disagree with me. We have been friends for about a year, this is the second summer we spend together at ember island. I only get to meet them on ember island because they live in the Fire Nation capital, in their palace, while I live in a completely different city. We are not allowed to live in the capital since we aren’t nobles or a part of the royal family, we only have influence of a lieutenant. But the city is still beautiful and the school is good there. 

And I have started in that school now, I have only gotten one friend from school and I act similar with her as I am with these three. It is hard, but I am working on it. Lu Ten says that it will take a while to ‘come out from my shell’ as he would like to say. I do not fully understand what it means, but I suppose it is something to getting used to being around children and not noble adults.

We end up bringing four pieces of crystal which we managed to dig out from the cave with a help from heat created by Lu Ten and rocks lying on the cave floor. So we are going to give one piece each to our respective parents as a ‘thank you’ for accepting our friendship. Well, at least, that is what my purpose is for giving it to daddy. I will keep the small crystal for myself and try to make a necklace out of it with the help of nanny. And if daddy really likes his crystal, I will hide the necklace I will make. Once we reach Lu Ten’s house, we all say good bye to him, me and Zuko’s good bye being more sincere than Azulas. I do not know why it’s so hard to be friends with Azula, it is like she put up a barrier between herself and others to look down at them. When we reach my house, Zuko and Azula both say goodbye to me and then continue their way towards their house.

With light steps, I climb up the flight of stairs leading to my house and open the door quietly as to not disturb anyone since it is late in the evening already. I close the door behind me, taking off my sandals and carry the crystal that is as large as my fist towards daddy’s study. I do not meet anyone on my way there, since it is only four doors away from the hall, and I knock on the door softly, waiting outside until I am called inside. I hear some rustles of paper from inside and eventually, daddy calls out ‘come in’ to me. Once I have the permission, I slide open the door and bow down to daddy.

Once I am standing straight, I walk into his office, holding out the crystal for him to see with a small smile on my face even though his face betrays no emotion.

“I found this during my exploration with Lu Ten, Zuko and Azula. I wish for you to have it.”

Daddy looks at the crystal I am holding in interest, nodding for me to put it down on his table. I do so and afterwards I step back to await what he will say. He just goes back to looking over his papers. I stand there for a few more minutes, my smile slipping away from my lips and a sad heat coming over me.

_ He doesn’t like it… _

“Is there something else you wish to say?” Daddy says, not looking at me but letting his amber eyes scan over the scroll he has before him. I look down to the floor in nervousness.

_ He doesn’t like it… _

“No, father… That was all… I will take my leave now…” I say, bowing towards him one last time before I walk towards the still open door, closing the door behind me once I have stepped into the hall and just stand there for a while.

_ He doesn’t like it… _

So that heat still lingering inside of me, I walk in the direction of the bathroom to clean up since I have some soot after being inside of the cave and digging up that crystal. I do not meet anyone on my way towards the bathroom either so I end up showering on my own. It is hard since I have to stand on a chair to reach up to the shower faucet, but I manage in the end. So I stand there, alone in the shower cabin of our house, sad that daddy did not like my gift to him.

_ He doesn’t like it… _

* * *

I am returning home after spending an afternoon inside the ‘glowing cave’ as me and Zuko have named it. Now, it is the end of summer and just a few weeks after my sixth birthday. Zuko, Azula and Lu Ten have already gone back to the capital city and I will travel back home tomorrow. I feel really sad today because of… something, I am not really sure what…

It could be because of what me, Lu Ten and Zuko talked about the day before they had to leave while Azula was spending time with her father. It was about the war, why it was happening. Lu Ten described it as the Fire Nation wanting to share the greatness that is the Fire Nation to the rest of the world. And Zuko then intertwined that his father is a great man for trying to expand the world and protecting the people of the Fire Nation. I do not know why, but… something about it seems wrong.

Why would other nations attack the Fire Nation if we are so great? Why would it cause a war when the Fire Nation is trying to spread its greatness? Why would Zuko and Lu Ten be so happy over a war? Have they not read the books about how many casualties there is? Can they not place themselves in a position where your loved one dies because of an enemy? I can… and it is a horrible feeling. I can imagine that that is what this war is causing, but I am not sure.

Why does the Fire Nation want to expand even though we are so great? Why do the people accept it without a second thought? Why does no one try to put themselves in the shoes of those the Fire Nation attack? Am I the only one thinking like this? Am I the only one thinking at all and everyone else just blindly follow the fire lord’s orders without thinking for themselves?

I just cannot understand it. Just one small conversation has left me sad with numerous of questions and hypothesis swirling around my head. It is impossible to leave those thoughts alone so I sneaked out from my house early this morning with some food and sat in the crystal cave, just thinking. But I never come up with an answer… Maybe daddy is right, maybe I am too analytical for my own good…

I slowly climb up the stairs to my house, dread starting to pile up in my stomach. Mommy and daddy have no doubt noticed that I was not home today, they must be furious. I have only eaten breakfast and now it’s sunset, I am absolutely starving. I hope daddy will not punish me that much for running away like this…

So, taking a deep breath to calm myself, I slide the door open as quietly as I can, doing the same when I close the door behind me. I then look around the hall, feeling relieved when no one is there. I remove my sandals and walk over to the kitchen that is on the other side of the hall, feeling grateful when I do not see anyone in there either. I see a bowl of soup stand on the kitchen counter with a spoon next to it and I immediately know that the bowl is for me. So I take the bowl to the kitchen table as quietly as I can and start eating even though it is cold. For not having eaten food for the whole day, it is absolutely delicious.

Once I am done with my quiet meal, I gently place the bowl in the kitchen sink and walk as quietly as I can towards my room. I have to pass daddy’s study and the training room to get to my own so I have to be careful so daddy will not hear me. With quiet footsteps, I sneak by daddy’s door but when I reach the door to the training room, I freeze up when I hear a very familiar, cold voice.

“Hotaru… What is the meaning of this, refusing to attend to your training for a whole day.”

I slowly turn around, swallowing to try and force down the lump in my throat. I feel scared… daddy’s eyes have not been that cold in a long time… I should not have left to go to the cave for the whole day, how could I have been so stupid? I have no idea what daddy will do now…

“Well?”

I flinch at his impatient tone and quickly turn around completely to face him with my gaze on the floor. I cannot tell him the truth, he would see me as a traitor of sorts if I do. My excuse will sound pathetic… But I cannot tell him the whole truth.

“I… I apologize, father. I have had a lot of thoughts lately, ever since Zuko, Azula and Lu Ten sailed off towards the capital again. I figured that since these thoughts are occupying my mind, I would be severely distracted from training and not perform as well as I could. That is why I left without your or mother's consent to let these thoughts completely envelop my mind and seek out the answer to them by myself. It was foolish of me, but I could not see any other way.”

Daddy stand there, quietly staring at me. I do my best to not fidget under his gaze but I keep my gaze on the ground to clearly show him how ashamed I am. But I am more afraid than ashamed, I feel idiotic for being away from home for so long, but I do not feel ashamed for disobeying his order on training. I am a little surprised by this myself, If it would have been a year earlier, I would be ashamed to my core for disobeying him. But now, when I am slowly revealing the truth about the world I live in through my own theories, a very small and distant part of me wants to disobey daddy just to see how he will react. Just to do something I want and not something he wants.

“It was indeed foolish… The most foolish thing you have ever done, Hotaru. For your disobedience, I should challenge you to an agni kai.” I tense up when he says this, a tremendous heat rising within my body as fear rises with it.

_ An… An agni kai… No… No, I don’t wanna fight father! No, no, no, no, please don’t! Please don’t daddy, please don’t! _

“But you are too young as of yet to accept the challenge.” I almost fall to the ground in relief, but I keep on standing upright. I do not want daddy to think I am weak because then my punishment will be worse. “So instead, I will increase your training two fold. That means that now when you attend to school, we will train immediately when you get home and we will not stop until you have to turn in for the night. And that training will start now. Step inside.”

I bow low to him, my fist underneath my palm like always and enter the training room that is next to me. I am thankful that my punishment is not worse than this… It is good to become stronger so I will at least get some profit from the pain daddy will cause me. So I am not overly shocked when I get kicked in my back the moment I step inside the training room, my instincts taking over and making me flip upright to my feet to face daddy, my attacker.

Daddy walk over to the weapons we have hanging on a wall in the training room, throwing my two daggers at my feet as he takes his own katana in his hand. I quickly pick up my daggers, holding in the backward position I am accustomed to just as daddy run towards me with his sword raised for a strike. I roll to the side, letting the sword connect with the floor and my eyes widen slightly when I see that he cut through the floor.

_ He is not using the blunt side anymore!? _

I will get out from this training session with cuts, bruises and possibly small burn marks… It was really stupid of me to leave for the whole day… Daddy readies his sword for another attack but he actually waits for me to shift my stance before he speaks to me.

“I will not allow you to slack off anymore, I have been too kind to you. You are going to join the army once you come of age and you have to be prepared.” My eyes widen when he says this. Me? Join the army and fight in the war? Why do I have to do that?

Daddy run towards me again and this time I block his swing instead, pushing with all my might to fight against his strength. He is really strong and he’s holding back less now… I don’t like angering him because then he’ll hit me harder during training.

“Always be prepared for anything. If you have to fight, you will win. Never run, never hide, face them with pride from the Fire Nation. Do not let shock or confusion consume you in a battle, it will be your downfall.”

Daddy push harder against my dagger, breaking my guard and forcing me to jump backwards to avoid being cut. I hastily shoot a fireball at him to distract him while I restore my balance and that is just the short distraction I need to be able to dodge his next strike and try to strike back.

_ The military… He wants me to join the military, that’s why he’s training me so hard. But… Is that really what I want? And what does the military really do? They are said to protect people, but they are also taking part of this war. I want to protect people, but I don’t want to be a part of the war… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone noticing how her thinking pattern is changing and how the description is changing? No? Well that's ok. Hope you liked it! Any Kudos and comment is appreciated!


	4. Sneaky Firefly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her curiosity to know the truth to things have grown. Grown so much that she turns to stealth methods to gain the information she wants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little later than I thought it would be, but here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy.

“Only stubborn fools struggle against the wishes of the Fire Lord.”

The Fire lord believes that he has a strong grip over the whole nation, over the whole world, because of the admiration and fear people have for him. But there are people out there who are not afraid to fight. There are people out there who are not afraid to sacrifice everything they have to achieve something they wish to achieve. And we, we are one of those people. We will not bow down to the Fire Nation, we will stand in the shadow of its flame and slowly snuffle the fire of hate out. Slowly strangling it from the shadows.

If only fools stand against the fire lord, then we will be those fools as long as he has the throne.

* * *

I am running down a dark corridor towards my goal. I know the information I want is there, I know it. I am going to find out exactly why Lin left school, I do not believe that her family simply moved away to a colony, her family felt at home here in our city and her parents had great jobs here so they would not move just like that.

Since my stealth has increased through the years, it is easy to slip inside the teacher's office when it is late at night. Once I have locked the door behind me and covered the windows with their dark curtains, I light up a flame in my hand to survey the room.

_ There, the archives. _

I walk over towards the metal shelf, trying to open the shelf but finding it locked. I remember the things I have read in ‘the book of stealth’ I found a few months ago and take out two thin metal rods to pick the lock with. This is the second time I pick a lock like this and I cannot help but feel a strange sense of thrill when I go through this secrecy to find out information on the things I want to know but no one will share. I feel like one of those ninja I have read about, hiding in the shadows and performing missions. It also helps that I have been training in fighting since I was three years old.

I eventually unlock the shelf, opening it and scanning through the files to find the right file on Lin. Lin was one of my friends here on the school and she just suddenly disappeared without saying good bye. And I want to know why. So finding Lin’s file, I open it and start reading. Grades, family, living condition… I know all of this already. At the last page though, I find what I came here for.

_ I see… Her mother was working for a high-ranked noble and when she refused to fulfill his wishes, she got driven out from the city along with her family. At least she isn’t banished, that is something only the fire lord can do. I’ll see her again someday, that’s a relief at least. Now, I need to put this back and lock the shelf again. I got what I came for. _

So putting the file back in the shelf, extinguishing my fire to not give it accidental burn marks, I close the shelf and start picking the lock to make it lock again. It is easier than unlocking it and I soon pull apart the curtains, unlock the room and run down the corridor towards the window I came in through. And once I am outside my school, I close the window behind me and relax with my heart thundering inside my heart. A giggle slip out from my mouth as the after thrill rush through me, doing these kind of things are amazingly fun. The first time I was too curious for my own good, I was absolutely terrified of being found. But since I was not found, I found doing these kind of things amusing. I try to gather as much information as I can on everything.

For example, whenever an important noble or officer visit our house, I will try to listen in on their conversation as good as I can. The same thing with the teachers in my school. Nanny has caught me listening in on father’s and mother’s conversations, but she does not tell them. It is amazing how much you can find out by a simple conversation really.

I had no idea that mother was a businesswoman until she and a noble talked about her new brand of perfume. And father, I found out numerous of military plans when I listened on his conversations, attack on Earth Kingdom to make new colonies. I still have not quite figured out the true reason behind the war but it is leaning between ‘take over the world’ and ‘attack them before they attack us’. I need to listen in on more things before I can understand it.

I run back to my house, my mood still sky high as I run between the trees. Neither mother or father have caught me sneaking off during the day and night. It is somewhat dangerous for me to run off like this just because I am curious and want to know the truth about everything, but I simply cannot help it. It gives me a certain thrill that I just cannot go without now that I have experienced it. It also comes with the advantage of receiving personal and important information on people.

I soon reach my house, since it is in the outskirts of the ‘higher city’ and thus is closer to school. I look up at our two stories house, namely on the dark, open window of my room. I dig into the small pouch I have strapped to my waist, pulling out a rope with a small weight at the end of it. Right underneath my window is a pole which I insert into the wall every time I sneak outside. I have drilled a hole into the house’s wall, carefully calculating with quite easy math so I would drill in between the floorboards instead of into a room. The day before I made the hole, I made a circle piece of wood, the same wood as our house, and painted it in red so that it can cover the hole without seeming suspicious.

I throw up the rope, the weight at the end allowing the rope to spin around the pole three times before coming to a stop, hanging in the air. I then do an experimental tug on the rope, satisfied that it will hold, and start to climb up the wall of my house towards my room. the wall encasing the ‘royal district’ from the ‘normal district’ being right behind me as I climb up, which means that no one is able to see me unless they walk around our house.

I do not know why our district is called the ‘royal district’ since we do not have any royalty in our city, but it serves to separate the ‘common’ people from the wealthy ones. It is a little strange in my opinion to separate people like this, but I suppose it serves as a way to make the ‘commoners’ more comfortable because some lower nobles or high-ranked officers tend to treat them harshly in any way they can. And it serves as a good cover in my case.

I quickly slip inside my window, carefully removing my rope and rod from the wall, placing it on the floor of my room to put it away after I am done. I pick up the wooden disk that will cover the hole and carefully push it in place while trying to not fall out from my window. Once the piece of wood is in place, the pattern matching my house’s, I close the window and cover it with my dark curtains. I then light up a finger to light up the candle that is always standing on my bedside table so I can see. I then carefully remove the loose board underneath my bed so I will not make a sound. When the board is removed, I place my rod and rope in the floor and cover it up again with the board.

After that, I can finally get undressed from my black clothing, putting it underneath my pillow, and change into my white nightgown to go to sleep. I do not want to be tired in school tomorrow so I will need any sleep I can get. I am still giddy from the thrill of doing this kind of things and take a few deep breaths to try and calm down. I am sure Lu Ten would love to join me on these adventures if he could. I slowly calm down and eventually fall asleep with a small smile on my face.

* * *

“My life I give to my country. With my hands I fight for Fire Lord Azulon and our forefathers before him. With my mind I seek ways to better my country. And with my feet may our March of Civilization continue.” I chant together with my class the next morning, not really paying attention to what I am saying but rather let my mind wander over the same questions I have been asking myself whenever I say this to a picture of Azulon recently.

_ Why do we kids have to recite this every morning? Do they think that we will take those words to heart after we have recited them enough? I won’t give my life for my country, but for my important people. I won’t fight for the fire lord, I will fight for myself and to protect. I still can’t figure out if school is meant to make children learn about subjects regarding our and other nations, or if it’s just a way to make future ‘Fire Nation soldiers’ as one teacher whispered about. It was only one teacher who whispered about it, but it still worries me even after two months. What if this school is just a way to make people who would be completely loyal to the fire lord no matter what he does? If I found out that this is the truth, what would I do then? If I spread that truth, what would other people do then? _

When we sit back on our seats, the teacher starts talking about history, about Sozin again actually. But my mind is still not fully present as I continue to think about the society I am living in while staring intently on the blackboard behind the teacher.

_ We are separated even though we are the same people. We hate the other countries even though it is we who attack them. Our society may be equal regarding power between genders, but that doesn’t give us a reason to force our rules on the other countries. The other countries are doing just fine on their own in my opinion, if the few books I have read are any indication to that, so why should we disturb something that works? There is a hidden reason behind this war. There is a hidden reason we are able to continue this war even though we have been going on for a 100 years. There is a reason why kids like me are forced to go to school early. I want to know why. If it wasn’t for my already questioning personality, I’m sure I would accept everything the school told me with an open heart and a smile like my classmates. But I'm not a fool, I haven’t been a fool for as long as I can remember. _

“Hotaru, what exactly are you staring at?”

I snap out from my inner questioning, looking up at the teacher who’s standing right next to my desk. I smile at her, not caring that my classmates are laughing at me and calling me ‘weird’ because I stared into space again.

“I am sorry, miss. I simply found it meaningless to listen to something we have already gone through so I let my mind wander to other things.”

I hear the class snicker and giggle at me again, but I do not let it face me. I know just how to get out from this situation if she asks the right questions. I have done this before and I have had personal lessons from mother on how to get out from troublesome situations.

So when the teacher narrow her eyes in slight anger, she asks me the question I wanted her to ask. “Very well, if you already know the history of our great fire lord Sozin, why not tell it to your whole class.”

I nod with another smile, standing up and bowing towards my teacher for good measure and then face my class, just having to turn around since I am sitting on a front seat.

“Fire lord Sozin, father of our present Fire lord Azulon, started the 100 year war by using the power from a comet. He then launched a full-scale attack on the world using the power from the comet to increase a fire bender’s power and destroyed the air nomads people since they were preparing for war. Later on, he died a peaceful and successful death in his sleep. Or at least, that is what we have gone through in school.” I turn towards my teacher with a small smile. “Does that account for that I know of Sozin’s history, miss? Of course, I left out most of the details, but I can always tell you those as well.”

“No…” She says grimly, annoyed that I have succeeded her ‘test’. “You may sit down. But pay attention this time.”

I sit down with a ‘yes ma’am’ and my smile transforming into a smirk once the teacher has turned around. My classmates giggle some more but I do not know if they are laughing at me, or the teacher. It could be both. Me because I got ‘caught staring at nothing’ again and the teacher because I made her look like a fool. I believe more in the latter, it makes me more comfortable.

“Now, let us go back to the lesson.”

* * *

I am once again listening in on father’s conversation with another military officer in his office. This time, it is the general who father is working for. Maybe I will get to know more this time, it was the soldiers who worked for him during his last meeting. I continue to stand with my back pressed to the wall of the training room, the training room and father’s office being right next to each other. I have drilled a small hole in the wall, the hole being covered by a cloth with the Fire Nation insignia on inside father’s office. On the training room’s side, it is covered by a wooden disk just like I have done for my pole when I want to sneak outside in the evening. Right now, I am supposed to do firebending exercises while father talks to the general, but I suppose I am too curious for my own good. That is also why I have drilled a hole in the wall so I can listen without having to be pressed against the door and get caught like I did a year ago.

I might have been six then, but you can grow a lot in only a year. By just reading some books I one day found in the trashes in the ‘common’ part of our city, I learned a lot about infiltration and hiding. Of course, it was from simple fantasy books, not actual facts of infiltration. Added with my curious attitude, I practiced long and hard to be able to use the same techniques as the books pointed out. The books are buried underneath another floor plank in my room, so it is safe there. I have also found other story books about infiltration in the library, but none of them were as descriptive as the ones I found. Of course, those books pointed out other things you could think of other than drilling holes into a wall to listen in on conversations and cover the hole with a disk, but I still prefer to read the old, used books whenever I am bored. I have read the story of a ninja so many times that I can remember all tricks described in it.

“Now, Lieutenant Gin, I assume you know of our next prison raid.” The general says to father, his voice blank but fierce, just like how a commander’s voice should be.

“Yes. City of Lou ten in the Earth Kingdom to imprison the earth bender rebellion there. It comes as no surprise since we have been in control over that territory in a month now, they were bound to fight back.” It is strange to hear father have such a… loyal tone to his voice. It is obvious that he is not in control right now.

“Yes, only stubborn fools struggle against the wishes of the Fire Lord. But that is expected from such people. I will let you and your men be the infiltration team, striking at their base to draw them out so we can capture them once they have crawled out from their nest.”

“You know of their base of operation, sir?”

“Indeed. We have acquired an agent inside the rebellion with just a false promise to spare him since he is an earth bender himself. Anyone who would think that they will be spared will suffer from other consequences.”

“Indeed. How long until departure, General?”

“Three days. Once the city has been completely acquired, our lord’s empire will grow larger.”

I have heard enough by then, feeling horrified by this new revelation and I quickly place the wooden disk in place, running to the middle of the room to work some on my fire bending. While I go through the forms I have been taught, my fire being fueled by my drive towards progression, my mind is long gone.

_ Empire… Azulon’s empire… I see… They-they’re trying to take over the world…? But… Why would they want to take more when we’re already large? Why would people fight simply to get more ground!? Wha-... What should I do…? I-I love my family, but I don’t like the army… I-I love the people, but why would they support something so cruel…? Aren’t… Aren’t the people in the Earth Kingdom people too? Is this… Is all this, training to fight, going to school, being a lady, will it all go to waste when I won’t be able to protect what I love…? Will it all go to waste because father wants me to use it to hurt people instead in the war…? _

I stop doing fire bending katas, simply standing there and looking down to the floor. I feel a heat rise inside of me as small tears of frustration prickle in my eyes. I close my eyes tightly, trying to make those tears go down again but it only makes them flow down my cheeks.

_ Father… Mother… Nanny… Lu Ten… Zuko… Azula… What should I do…? Are you all-? Are you all involved in this? To hurt people just because the Fire Nation is greedy!? Are you all involved in hurting people!? … Should I be as well then…? Because that’s where you’ll all be… What should I do…? Who are friend and foe in this war…? Who should I side with…? Honor says Fire Nation, but I have never cared much about my honor. And my heart is tugging in both directions… Why does it have to be like this…? Why do I have to feel such responsibility…? What should I do…? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome.


	5. Emotional Firefly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a skip in time. Hotaru is thinking more of the war. And soon, she will have to face her Father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pattern of skipping years of her childhood will go away soon. About... 3 years more before the major skips stop.  
> (some graphic things at the end of the chapter. Be weary if you're uncomfy about it.)

“I raised you to speak logic, not to speak like a fool.“ 

Indeed you did, I grew up knowing that my mind is my greatest weapon. That is why it has constantly been pushed to its limits so that I would think for myself, know about people and have a greater concept of the world around me. But everyone needs to be a fool sometimes, those who speak logic can’t always win. Sometime you need a bit of foolishness to succeed in your tasks. I have done many foolish things which has almost killed me in the process, but I always come out victorious and alive. 

Those who are fools can become stronger than any army.

* * *

I am walking through the forest of ember island, it being once again summer. Lu Ten, Azula and Zuko have not come to ember island yet, so they cannot join me in the crystal cave. I have gotten the habit of going to the crystal cave whenever I want to think, which is more often than I should. Last summer, a few months after I knew the true reason to the war, I sat here so often and so long that Lu Ten and Zuko started looking for me. Azula did not bother looking for me, knowing that I will turn up whenever I wanted to. 

And Azula… She has become really scary lately. even though she is only seven years old, she has this aura that reeks ‘danger’. And she never misses an opportunity to ‘prove’ she is better than others by destroying what is theirs or mocking them. So now, instead of being completely calm whenever I talk to her like I did two years ago, I am almost constantly tense. As if she will jump at me the minute I say something wrong to her. I have no idea how or when I started to feel like this around her, but something obviously changed her in the capital. What other reason could there be?

We still play out the final scene of  _ Love amongst the dragons _ sometime. Also, Lu Ten visit ember island less and less now, he is taking almost full duty in the army, which I was not pleased to hear once he told us about it. But I could not tell him why I am disturbed by it… Not the real reason at least…

I finally reach the cave and I let the fire in my hand guide me inside the darkness. When I reach the end where the green crystals are glowing strongly, I simply sit down, lean against the wall and just sit there and think while I stare blankly at the roof of the cave.

_ They’re planning an attack on the southern water tribe now… Most earth bender rebellions have been crushed down but some are still standing strong… They haven’t gotten to Ba Sing Se and they haven’t tried Omashu. Safety of their colonies is their priority right now… I wonder where the avatar is... we could use them right now.  _

I look down at my hands, inspecting the callouses I have received during my multiple training sessions. I have imagined that I myself could be the Avatar if I tried to bend another element. But of course, my element always have and always will be the destructive fire…

_ The master of all elements… If anyone, it’s he who can bring peace to the world. I’ve read so many things, so much about different wars that have broken out through history. I can’t fully imagine it, how much blood that’s been spilled during those times. Whenever I try to, I get goosebumps over it.. And to be captured and not able to bend, that feels frightening... Just like they are doing to the earth benders, they are putting them on metal ships. No earth bender can bend metal, it’s unheard of. That’s one reason I’m glad to be a fire bender… It’s always there. _

A quiet and shaky sigh escape my lips, quickly shaking my head at the thought of not being able to bend. That will never happen, I should not think of such things. It is a part of me, my body heat, my very life and being. It can never be snuffed out in any way. And with me feeling this fear, I feel even more pity for those who are not able to bend with where they are held captive…

_ And those water benders father have been talking about, they’re ‘disgusting’ and ‘filthy’ in his opinion. When I hear him talk like that, I can’t help but get angry… They might have other bending than we do, but they’re still  _ people _. Just like everyone here in the Fire Nation. They have to be people, how couldn’t they? Humans are people, and those from the water tribe and earth kingdom are humans. That means that the Fire Nation is imprisoning people just because they can bend a different element. It’s… It’s not fair… I would feel horrible if someone from the earth kingdom would lock me away just because I’m a fire bender… Why would they do that…? Why would they even start this war!? Why, why, why!? Why do you have to make people suffer even after you're dead!? Sozin!? _

A familiar, strong heat swirls around inside my body as I start to cry, which I have done a lot more lately. I cannot stop myself from crying when I think about the war, how I would react in their situation, how I would feel in their situation. I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and in my heart as I empathize with these people. The heat inside my body which I have had since a toddler is continuously growing warmer for every time I cry, feel angry or just feel a strong emotion in general. I cannot figure out what exactly it is that is causing me to feel like this, I have not talked to mother and father about it, because they would undoubtedly see me in a different light if I did. It is bad enough now that I am trying to avoid them as much as possible, rather staying with my nanny who is still an employee for my father after all these years. If I suddenly start crying in front of Father or Mother, they would demand answers. Whilst Nanny simply let me cry, a hand placed on my shoulder as silent comfort.

I have no idea for how long I just sit there, crying inside the crystal cave. But I come back to my senses when I hear a pair of footsteps walk through the cave towards me. I look up from having my face buried in my knees, seeing the light of a fire in the depths of the cave. Whoever it is, they can obviously see me from where I am sitting. It is hard not to with the bright glowing stones surrounding me at all sides. So I just wipe away the tears from my cheeks and look off to the side as the person comes closer.

“I knew I would find you here. Are you going to answer me why you’re crying now?” I am not surprised to hear Zuko’s voice echo in the cave and I glance up at the older boy with my amber eyes slightly swollen from crying before I quickly look away. I cannot tell him. No matter how much fond of Zuko I am, if I am unable to tell even Lu Ten about my thoughts than I will never be able to tell Zuko. Lu Ten is usually the one I have always turned to when I could...

“No…” I mumble sadly, hugging my knees tighter to my chest. All of my friends have asked me to explain why I am so sad and angry all the time, even the one I have left in school, but if I answer them, they will also feel what I feel. And I do not want them to feel like I do, it is horrible… If they know what I know, they would share my heavy burden. If not laugh at me for thinking it as something trivial and stupid. This is a burden I have to carry on my own and keep to myself...

Zuko sigh slightly at my stubbornness and sit down next to me, just like he and Lu Ten have done so many times before when they have found me here. The atmosphere is tense, so I decide to break the silence while still looking away from him.

“When… When did you come here?” I ask him, my voice cracking slightly because I cried earlier. Zuko pretends that he did not hear my voice cracking, which I am really grateful for, and I can hear him shift his position before he answers.

“We came in the afternoon, it’s already dinner time. I just thought that you would be here, and I was right. Why are you here so often in the first place?”

I look ahead of me, still not looking at Zuko as I avoid his question. “Did Lu Ten come with you this time?”

I can hear the slight pout in his voice and it almost makes me smile at his tone, almost. “No… He and uncle are both out on duty… When I become old enough, I’ll join the army, just like Lu Ten!”

“No!”

I flinch slightly at my loud and panicked outburst, looking down at the cave floor while biting my lip to avoid his gaze. He is staring at me, I can feel it. And it is making me even more nervous than I already am. I do not want Zuko to join the army, but I cannot tell him why… What… What should I do in this situation…?

“Huh? Why not? It’s a great honor to be a part of the army.”

I am still staring at the floor, images of how I am picturing the war flashing before my eyes. The soldiers being cruel, burning down houses and citizens, laughing as they punish the innocent and take everything by force. Or they can be afraid, running away from the rebels who are killing Fire Nation soldiers left and right with a great army of its own. I do not want him to go through that… I do not want him to be a part of this cruel war… I do not want Zuko to become a murderer… I want him to stay as he is, not change like Azula. Or Lu Ten...

“I… If you joined the army, I would be lonely… I would still have Azula, but… she’s become so different lately. I would rather be with you or Lu Ten. So if you went off on duty like Lu Ten, I would be all alone…” 

I curl up more, hugging my knees tighter as I continue to avoid his gaze. That’s half the truth at least, I would feel more alone if Lu Ten and Zuko are not with me. I mainly do not want him to fight for a country who you should not risk your life for. A country who started a war for such a cruel thing as conquering the world. We started the war, the other countries should stop it. But I cannot tell him, or else he would probably see me as a traitor and tell his father. It is for the best if I keep all this for myself.

_ But I don’t want to be alone in this… I don’t want to be the only kid who knows the true reason… who is thinking all of these thoughts and doubting my country. Why did I even start doubting the fire nation..? How..? _

“Oh… O-ok. Then, I’ll join when you won’t feel as alone then. Maybe we can join the army together.”

“You know I won’t join… I don’t want to…” I tell him, burying my face into my knees again. I feel a firm, but gentle grip wrap around my arm, prying it off from around my legs. Another arm then push away my knees, so that my face is clearly visible from Zuko’s point of view. I nervously glance at him, trying to keep down the tears threatening to spill. He looks angry over my attitude right now… Although, I cannot blame him. I would be angry at someone who is depressed but that person would not share their reason with me. I often find myself depressed like this… But I usually manage to pull through within a few hours. Truthfully, I am glad Zuko is here with me. 

“Stop that! You will tell me what’s wrong with you, right now!”

I get slightly shocked at his commanding tone and I let a bitter smile appear on my face. He looks so determined and.. Like the Prince he really is. I keep my gaze locked with his. Right now, he’s not the hot-tempered, awkward boy I see most of the time. He is determined to help a friend… And I really appreciate that from him. But there is nothing that he can do.

“So you can act like a true prince? I’m surprised.” I tease him slightly to try and lighten the mood, but it obviously does not work since I cannot bring any true emotion to my eyes at the moment. It makes Zuko grit his teeth in anger, his grip unconsciously squeezing my arm tighter. But I do not wince at the pain. Instead, I sigh, realizing that he will not give up without some kind of explanation as I look down to the cave floor.

“What’s the matter, Hotaru?” I can hear a hint of concern in his determined voice, I really should tell him a half-truth.

“I am stupid…” I start out slowly. After the first insult to myself is out, the words just flows out from my mouth much easier than I thought they would. “I am an idiot, a complete fool. I am too curious for my own good and too intelligent to avoid disturbing thoughts. I am different, a freaky abnormality among my classmates. I have only one friend in school, one, only because I am too different. It does not help that the more I hear, the more I want to know. The more I know, the more I think. The more I think, the more questions I get. The more questions I get, the more I want to hear. It is an endless, painful cycle I am going through.” I laugh without humor, rubbing my forehead tiredly. “Curiosity killed the cat, indeed. Only my case, it is my mind, my psyche that is slowly dying. I cannot get rid of these thoughts, these images, these  _ emotions _ ! I hate it, I despise it… Right now, I cannot help but despise my intelligence!” I start crying again as emotions overwhelm me but I do not hide it this time, I let myself cry openly as I continue to stare at the cave floor.

“Why can’t I be more like you, Zuko...? Knowing not to pry and not understanding the hidden meaning behind everything… To live a somewhat carefree life where both of your parents doesn’t put constant pressure on you to be how they want you to be… Why can’t I be like any other kid…?”

We sit in silence for a long time, Zuko still holding onto my arm. I continue to cry as silent as I can manage, letting my emotions flow out in front of my friend instead of keeping it bottled up. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Zuko sighs slightly while tightening his grip on my arm, as if he wants to make sure that I will still be there.

“I don’t have it easy either, you know...”

“H-huh?” I say softly, looking up at Zuko while I rub off some of my tears away. He is looking up to the ceiling, adjusting so he is leaning against the wall of the cave, still holding onto my arm but around my wrist instead of my upper arm. Since he is holding onto my right arm, I do not mind his change in position since it does not affect my comfort.

_ But… Zuko is always so happy no matter what, always so kind… And his parents doesn’t  force him to be home at a certain time. Neither do they punish him for disobeying them if he does. I know that his dad focus on Azula, but… it can’t be worse than how it’s for me. _

“You know how father always favors Azula. She is the perfect princess; great at fire bending, smart, and now that I think about it, she succeeds with everything she tries. But he never notices me… No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, he is never satisfied with me… Mother is always there to comfort and support me, but father is always so cold. He recently told me that I was lucky to be born while Azula was born lucky… It is as if he doesn’t love me… That he only loves Azula…” Zuko’s grip on my wrist tightens slightly but I stay quiet and listen to him. He has told me about his and Azula's relationship, but not much about how things are between him and his father… It sounds just like my father… “He can sometimes seem like a father, but he always has that cold look in his eyes when he looks at me… Not once have I seen any warmth in his eyes, for all his fire bending skill and power. I always wish that I could be better at fire bending, that I could please father somehow, just so that I can see him look at me with pride in his eyes like he does with Azula. Even though I’m older than her - older than you, I’m still not better than either of you at fire bending. I always do my best, but it’s never enough… Never enough to make father look at me with any kind of warmth…”

I adjust his grip on my arm, slipping my hand into his and squeeze softly to reassure him that I am here. When he looks at me, sad golden eyes meet my understanding amber ones, I did not know that his father thought  _ that _ lowly of him. I knew that Azula was always the favorite and that his father did not acknowledge his strength, but I did not know that his father is practically pushing him away coldly while still being a ‘father’. His situation is more similar to mine than I imagined… I thought I was the only one to be forced to live up to my parents expectations just to please them, just to make them look at me with some warmth. And I have nanny, just like he has his mother. Only, I have two persons to please instead of one…

“I understand how it feels, Zuko… I really do… Hearing this actually made me feel a little better, knowing that I’m not completely alone in my relationship with my family.” I sigh slightly, looking ahead into the darkness of the cave with a far-away look in my eyes. “If I could find someone with my intellect and my burdens, I could be at peace…”

Zuko hits me lightly on the head with his free hand, his left one still holding mine. It does not hurt at all, so I look at him curiously since he has forced my attention back to him. He has a slight, sad smile on his face, a playful look in his eye.

“Hey, I cheered you up at least, didn’t I? That’s something.”

I give him a small, sincere smile as a reward, making his own smile grow wider and sincere as well. “Yeah, I guess you are right. Thank you, Zuko. For sharing your story...”

I then stand up from where I have been sitting, letting go of Zuko’s hand to stand in front of him with my hands clasped behind my back.

“Now, come on. Let’s go back. I’m sure father is furious by now.” This makes a worried glint appear in his eyes, standing up as well to tower over me by an inch as he shifts from foot to foot in nervousness.

“Oh no… What will he do this time…?”

I just smile at my friend, not bothered at all by the thought of my father or mother giving me a punishment for staying out the whole day. They never hit me too many times, three times is the most father have hit me outside of training as punishment. Mostly, the punishment is tough housework or lengthened training hours. It exhausts me and it is really painful, but the punishments could be worse. They have eased up after father accidentally hit me too hard when I was five if I remember right. I hit my head quite hard and my balance took a few days to recover.

“Don’t worry, Zuko, you know they aren’t as bad anymore. It’s just painful when the punishments happen many days in a row. There’s nothing to worry about.”

I then start walking towards the dark part of the cave which will lead us to the exit, bringing up a flame in my hand to serve as light. Zuko walks up beside me, his own fire in his hand while he continues to speak with me.

“Yeah, and how many days have you been in here now?”

“... Since I came here.” I answer sheepishly, looking away from Zuko’s slightly angry gaze.

“And when did you get here?”

“Ehm… Look, Zuko! I can make Dog sheeps with my fire now!” I tell him, transforming my small flame into a dog sheep and letting it jump in front of us, lighting up the way before us with it’s happy hops.

“Wow! I wish my fire can do that! He-hey! Don’t change subject! How long have you been in here?”

I laugh nervously at his anger, I have never liked it when Zuko gets angry, he sometimes get violent and he is somewhat scary with that angry look on his face. So I quickly avoid the question by making the dog sheep jump faster and run after my fire.

“Oh no! My fire is getting away! Come back!”

“Hey! Hotaru, come back here! You still haven’t answered me!”

I cannot stop the laugh from coming out from my mouth as I run through the cave, after my fire dog sheep with Zuko running after me. Both boys have a strange way of making me happy again, Lu Ten and Zuko. How can they do that? I laugh again, swiping my hand in the air to create more fire animals to run alongside me, this time birds, platypus bears, ostrich horses and cats. I softly pet my creations while I run, ignoring Zuko’s shouts from behind me. They are all so soft and warm, like fire that does not want to burn you. I love my fire because of this, If I do not want it to burn, it will follow through my wish. That is the best way when you use your own resolve to power up firebending, after speaking to Iroh about the drive for fire bending, I have used my resolve to grow stronger and protect people to make my fire strong. That way, they are much stronger than when I use anger.

With my small fire animals still running beside and in front of me, I continue to laugh as I think about how good friends Lu Ten, Zuko and Azula are. Well, Azula is getting fiercer and thus I distance myself from her, but she is still my friend. I am so glad that I met them.

* * *

After a whole year of questioning motives, questioning purpose and even more information gathering about the war as a whole, I have finally come up to the answer I have been searching for. The ever question of ‘what should I do?’ is clear as a day to me now. Father wants me to enter the military, but I have never denied or confirmed that I will. Now, I will tell him why. I will tell him why I do not want to join the army, why I have been away so many times and why I have had as little contact with my parents as possible. I will tell him exactly how I feel about all this and perhaps make a change, make father see things my way and allow me to do what I want. Perhaps he will even try to help in stopping the war.

Or this could all turn into the worst mistake I have ever done…

Without listening to my nervous thoughts, I steel myself to go inside the training room where father awaits. This is the fifth time I have prepared myself like this, but this time, I  _ will _ do it. I  _ will _ speak to father and make him see reason. I  _ will not _ back down like a coward! My honor depends on it!

Finally, I open the sliding door to the training room, bowing when I see father already sitting down in the middle of the room. I can feel his eyes on me as I keep my bowed position, knowing that he will comment on it eventually.

“Come inside, Hotaru. Do not test my patience when it regards your training sessions.”

“Forgive me for my rudeness father.” I start off, still in a bowing position. “But I wish to speak with you on an important matter before we start our training.”

The silence that envelop us after my wish is tense, making my body grow tenser as the silence stretch on. This is the only way to approach father without him growing angry from the very start, I have to thread on this conversation carefully if I want him to listen to me until the end.

“Very well. Come forth.”

I relax slightly when father accepts my request, straightening up and walking over to the middle of the room. I sit down on my knees in front of him, about 6 feet separating us from each other. I meet his gaze in determination, showing him that I really mean what I was saying earlier about it being important. I can see that father now shows interest in what I have to tell him and he nods his head to indicate that I can start explaining what I want to speak to him with. I take a silent breath, thinking over once again how I will start off and finally let words fly out from my mouth.

“Father, I have known for years now that you wish me to enter the military once I come of age. I appreciate everything that you are doing to me to make this come to reality. My loyalty will always lie with you and my honor as a firebender will never allow me to fail in my tasks. The task I have given myself now, as I sit in front of you, is to tell you the truth about my opinions. The truth which I have always been afraid to say in case you would be disappointed in me. But now, I understand how important it is for me to express myself to you and I deeply hope that you will not take offence to my words.”

I then bow low to him, placing my palms on the floor and my forehead almost touching the wooden floor. The silence stretches on for a few seconds and I wait with air stuck in my throat for his answer.

“I will be the judge of your statements. Speak up.” I breathe out a silent sigh in relief before I straighten up again, the determined look back on my face as I look into father’s amber eyes.

“Thank you, father. It has come to my attention that the Fire Nation wishes to expand their territory over the whole world rather than share Fire Nation's greatness to spread joy. For a strange reason, this does not bid well for my conscious, I imagine myself in the other nation’s situation and can only feel fear and pain when I think of what our nation is doing to them.” Father narrows his eyes when I say this, a spark of anger in his amber orbs. I quickly continue so I can say what I have to before he gets too angry and interrupt me.

“And thus, since I feel empathy to the people we are attacking, I do not support this war. I support the people of the Fire Nation, but I also give silent support to the people of the other nations as this war goes on. That is why I tell you this, father, I do not wish to be a part of the army. I do not wish to be a part of a war that is causing so much pain for other people and thus I do not want to be one of those who take part in hurting people, which is what Fire Nation soldiers do whenever we take over a territory.” I bow down once again since I cannot meet father’s gaze any longer because it is almost consumed with fury. I can gradually feel my resolve slipping away as I stare into his eyes, that Is why I bow down so I can look away.

“Please, father. Do not enroll me into the military once I come of age.”

“You…” Father starts off, an abnormally icy tone to his voice which makes me tense up in fear. I feared for this, that is why I have not confronted him until now. But it is too late to go back now. When I hear the rustling of clothing, I rise from my bow, looking up at my father who is glaring at me with an intense heat in his eyes. Seeing this makes me even more afraid.

“You dare tell me this after everything I have done for you… I have trained you to be the perfect commander since birth, your mother teaching you manners while I have been teaching you tactics and combat. And now, after all these years where I have worked on making you strong, you show your pitiful face to me and ask me to  _ not _ enroll you into the military. I raised you to speak logic, not to speak like a fool.”

I am shaking slightly in fear, but when I feel a familiar heat rise within me, I gather courage from that heat and my determination returns to me, making me stare up at my father in the eyes again. I  _ will not _ back down from this. I  _ will _ make him see reason! So I stay seated to not provoke father too much with my disobedient behaviour and continue my argument.

“Father, I stated in the beginning that I will forever be loyal to you and that I am thankful for everything you have done for me. But due to my consciousness, I cannot allow myself to hurt anyone without a reason. And I simply do not see a reason in hurting these people from the other countries when we simply want to expand our empire. That is why I do not wish to enroll in the military, I will be forced to hurt innocent people and-.”

“Innocent people? They have been killing thousands of our people and you call them innocent?” Father cuts me off angrily. I can feel my own anger rise within me as he cuts me off. “No, you are too naive to see the bigger picture, those people will come after our nation if we do not stop them before they have a chance to attack. Every day, they grow stronger and more in numbers, if we do not weaken their resolve by weakening their country borders, our Fire Nation will be the next one to be attacked.”

“But our nation is the nation with the best and most developed weapon industries in all four nations, they would never attack us head on without a proper weapon. That weapon could be the avatar, but they have not been sighted for almost a hundred years, father. I am not naive for seeing a greater picture outside our nation’s glory, we attack the other nations without a solid reason in their eyes. You are just too wrapped up in your ‘Fire Nation’ cocoon to truly see the whole picture of how we affect the world. Perhaps it is you who is naive for going through fire lord Azulon’s wish to continue this useless war.”

I instantly clench my hands at my foolishness once I finally realize what I just said. Father’s eyes are now glowing like a strong fire, almost turning red because of the dark tint to his eyes. I quickly stand up when he takes a step towards me and I can feel my own anger rise to match his own, he is truly too wrapped up in the Fire Nation’s beliefs to understand what exactly we are doing to the people of the water and earth kingdom. How come he cannot see reasoning to what this war really does to people? How come father does all these missions to capture earth and water benders? Why would he want to do all this just for a pointless war!?

The heat within me rise to an almost painful degree as I grow angrier. Father have stopped just two feet away from me, far away enough to avoid a hit from me but close enough to quickly intercept me if I happen to lose my temper. And I am losing my temper at a fast rate.

“What exactly have made you think all these unnecessary thoughts? If you belong to the Fire Nation, you will not go against the fire lord’s wishes. The fire lord’s words are law, you cannot oppose it. Not only did you just insult the fire lord himself, but you also insulted me personally. I cannot idly sit by and let you continue this foolishness.”

“And I cannot sit idly by while people just like us are being mercilessly killed or driven away from their home just because of a war to expand the Fire Nation. I will not be a part of the military until this war has been settled! You have always taught me to strike down my enemy without hesitation, but I cannot do that to a human! I may be able to lead people thanks to your teachings, but I cannot lead them into a war where people will be hurt! That is why I cannot be a part of the military!”

Father slap me on my cheek for my insulting words but instead of my anger dimming down like I thought it would, like a fire shying away from cold water, that slap makes the fire that is my anger grow stronger. Giving me fuel and determination to convince that my father is wrong in partaking in this war and even more wrong for trying to force me in it as well. I  _ will not _ back down!

“Then I have taught you nothing! You will join the military when you come of age! You will lead our country to a greater glory as a commander and you  _ will not _ mention this with me ever again!”

That is the first time father has ever raised his voice when scolding me but instead of feeling afraid, I glare heatedly up at him with my teeth bared. I clench my hands tightly, the heat in my body growing so hot that it feels like it is seeping out from my pores. So with a loud shout and wide eyes, I shout back to my father, the very first act of true disobedience openly shown towards him in my whole life.

“ _ I will not!!! _ ”

As if on command, fire envelops me, forcing father to take a step back, away from me. I take comfort in seeing the fire around me as I continue to glare at father, the heat around me rapidly increasing as I point a finger at him, not noticing how the fire is clinging to my limb.

“I refuse to take part of a war which was started so long ago by an egoistic fire lord! I refuse to take part in hurting people! I  _ refuse _ to fight for the Fire Nation! I will fight for my important people! I will fight for those who I want to protect! Not those who I want to destroy! I-!”

I am cut off from my arguments as I feel pain enveloping both my arms. When I look down at them, I see fire. So much fire coming out through my skin to the surface. It is like my skin is fire itself. 

_ This fire, it hurts. It is not my fire, this one hurts. My fire would never hurt me. Why does it hurt!? It burns! It’s dangerous! Get it off! _

When I feel panic come over me over feeling the fire hurt my arms, it grows even more intense and I can’t help but scream out as I feel my skin being painfully burned off by the fire coming from my body. I fall down to my knees, holding my arms in front of me so my clothes will not catch on fire by this dangerous, painful fire.

_ Why does it come from me!? How can my skin be fire!? It hurts!! Where does this come from!? Help!! Anyone!!! Help me!!! _

I can suddenly feel the heat from the fire disappear, but the pain is still there. I am shaking and crying, my eyes closed so I will not have to see those dangerous and painful flames. My ears are ringing and everything screams at me to just keep my eyes closed, but even so, I open my eyes to see what happened to my arms. I freeze up and start shaking even more when I see my arms, or what used to be my arms at least.

Two limbs that resembles my arms are a mixture of black, white and deep red. Many pieces of flesh are completely scorched black, some places burned enough for me to see the red muscle in my arms. My hands look like black and red bones instead of my normal, slightly chubby fingers, with splotches of white in the middle of the black patches. Many red places are glazed over with some kind of yellow substance that sippers out from the wounds and it is so much that it is even dripping on the ground. I can see a few places slowly swelling up like bubbles for some reason.

It is disgusting, but I cannot look away. I am completely frozen, staring at the two limbs that were my arms just a minute ago. I let my gaze move up my arm, following the black and red burned skin to where it ends. It stops in the middle of my upper arm where it ends in a jagged line of black skin. Finally, after what seems like ages, my senses come back to me and I once again feel the searing pain from my arms. Added with exhaustion, it causes me to faint, tipping forward towards the floor. I can feel a hand catch me just before my world becomes black.

_ I never thought… A talk with father would lead in getting burned… literally… I will never trust fire again, it’s painful and dangerous… How could it hurt me…? I trusted it… I’ll never use it... Never… Ever… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome~.


	6. Struggling Firefly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Hotaru got burned by her own fire, her line of thought has changed yet again. Not all who are burnt rise again from the ashes that easily like a Phoenix does. Only time will tell when she succeeds...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is late. Real life tests in school and other stuff getting in the way... I hope I managed to make it realistic enough.. Keep in mind, she is still somewhat of a child.

“Fire is a free spirit but with determination you can learn to control it.”

Yes, that is absolutely right. Without determination, you cannot be a fire bender. Determination is something I severely lacked back then, the determination to stand up for myself. The determination to face my greatest fears head on and beat them down to the ground. It caused me to push away the thing that is most important to me for years, leaving me empty for a long time. But my determination would change, it would change and become one of my greatest strengths. 

But that ever lingering fear, you can never push it away no matter how much you try.

* * *

“Look! There she is!”

“Have you had enough of this  _ fire  _ bending school yet, freak?”

“Haha! That was a good one Lee!”

I bite my lip in slight anger at the words the boys say to me but I force myself to calm down, shaking slightly when I imagine myself being enveloped by fire when I get angry. The three older boys notice me shaking and they obviously take pleasure in it, calling me a coward and laughing at me. I can feel the heat inside of me rise at the humiliation when they are, but I do my best to force it down.

“Look at her, shaking like a leaf just because we said  _ fire _ .” I flinch slightly when Lee, the largest out of the boys, says that word. The word and thing I have come to be terrified of. The very fire that is resting within me and all fire outside of me is dangerous. It will hurt you, take pleasure in your misery and scar you for doing nothing. No one can control fire, that is why it can easily run amok. That is why it is dangerous. That is why it burned me that day. And that is why… I am afraid of it.

Lee, once again enjoying my fear leans forward slightly, a large grin on his face as he looks deep into my eyes.

“Why would you, a fire bender, be afraid of fire?” I flinch again at the word, pressing my back closer to the wall to get as far away from him as possible. “And you think you look cooler with those long gloves of yours? You are no different to everyone else if it makes you feel high and mighty. In fact, you are even below everyone else. You are afraid of your element for no reason, never listen at the lessons and never talk to anyone other than your  _ friend _ . You are a freak who is going against your nation.”

When Lee is done with his ‘talk’, which I do not pay any attention to, he leans back with a large smile on his face. He then holds up a hand in front of me, as if stretching out a hand to help me up, but that hand burst out a flame. My reaction is immediate, screaming out loudly as the sight of my newly burned arms enters my mind. The very burns which were caused by fire and forced me to go to regular hospital visits for months before I could properly use them again. The small fire in Lee’s hand transforms into a huge blaze for me, hovering over me with a large grin as it is about to swallow me up.

I try to get away from the fire, the heat within my body being much harder to suppress now in my panic. Lee immediately blocks my path, the small fire still in his hand. I fall back on my back in my haste to get away from it, starting to cry from my panic. I quickly crawl backwards, away from the fire.

“N-NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! GO AWAY!!” I scream in hysteria, the tears flowing down faster as Lee slowly approaches me. I cannot see if he still has his fire active because of my position on the floor will not make me see his palm. I neither focus on his face as I do all I can to get away.

My hand slip from under me and I fall down to the floor. That is when I cannot keep control over my fire any longer and it bursts out from my skin due to my strong emotions. I quickly sit up without touching the wooden floor with my arms that have now caught on fire, the flames slowly burning through the fabric of my long, black gloves I have been wearing. When I see the flames on me, the world around me disappears as I fruitlessly try to brush the flames off my arms, the flames only growing stronger as my panic grows with it.

“S-STOP! D-DON’T HURT ME! NO! STOP!”

Soon, the fabric of my gloves have been completely burned off, but the fire does not attack the skin on my arms but rather travel up to my shoulders to spread to the rest of my body. Then, just like that, the fire disappears. That is also when I notice hands over my arms and someone talking to me.

“Hotaru. Hotaru, can you hear me?”

My gaze slowly travel up the pale arms, the arm connected to a body and the person sitting in front of being a fire bender teacher of this school, Louzai. I start shaking like a leaf, closing my eyes as I clench my hands, one of Louzai’s hands still placed over my arms. Realizing that I have yet to answer him, I softly nod my head with my eyes still closed.

“Good. Now, explain to me why I find you here performing fire bending in the middle of the hallway.”

I give myself a few seconds to collect myself before I look into my teacher’s eyes, still shaking and crying in fear.

“I… It was not my fault, Mr. Louzai. I… I was just so scared… Lee, he-he had… fire. He had fire… I was so scared… It will eat me... It will eat the rest of me. I was so scared.”

Louzai sigh tiredly at my response, still holding onto my arm and forcing down my fire, just like Lu Ten does. Without warning, Louzai stands up, pulling me up with him by the arm. I flinch slightly when I feel the strain on my tender arm and I am immediately pulled in a direction. Students are all around the corridor, probably having been drawn here by my scream. The moment I stand up and start getting dragged by Louzai towards where he wants me to go, the children in the hallway starts whispering to each other. I look down at my free arm, frowning when I see the skin.

It’s twisted, wrinkled and different shades of red. A classic third-degree burn scar which covers my whole arm. I look at the floor as I let Louzai drag me off, trying my best to ignore the whispers from the children around me.

_ I hate it… I hate being a fire bender… I hate my scars… I hate my classmates… I hate being called a freak… I hate being called a coward… I hate being so intelligent… I hate it all… Lu Ten, Zuko, Azula, Lin… Where are you when I need you? _

Tears continue to stream down my cheeks as I get dragged off by Louzai, towards the nurse’s office I believe, and I do not dare to look up from the floor in fear of seeing a huge fire looming over me to swallow me up, waiting for the moment when I am at my weakest to swallow me up and turn my whole body into the grotesque things that are my arms.

* * *

“Come on, Hotaru, come out!”

I shake my head wildly, completely pale as I stare at the fire in Zuko’s hand. The flame is lighting up the crystal cave where the crystal’s light does not touch the darkness so he is still a good distance away from me. He can use his fire so much better now while I barely use it at all. It will burn me if I use it, I know it will.That is why I do not fire bend. But father always force me to do it anyway, I hate him for it.

“You can’t sit in here forever, you know. Your parents are worried!”

I look down at the hard ground inside the cave, my body being filled with shame and slight hate. I had fire bending practice today so I ran out before it was even close to starting. I have not gone back for the rest of the day, scared to face my father since he will undoubtedly punish me for skipping practice.  _ But I don’t want to fire bend… I’m scared… _

“I… It was fire bending practice today…” I say quietly, hugging my knees tighter to my chest. Zuko sighs, knowing how I have gotten afraid of my element and extinguishes his flame. I immediately relax, breathing out a sigh in relief when the fire is gone. I do not tense up either when Zuko approaches me with slight stomps in his steps.

“You can’t be afraid of your element, it’s impossible.”

“Well, it is when your element hurts you…”

Zuko sits down on his knees in front of me, poking my knee to make me look at him instead of the cave floor.

“It won’t hurt you if you don’t want it to. You’re in control of your fire, the fire doesn’t control you.”

“But I can’t control it, Zuko… Not anymore…” I whisper sadly, remembering how I used to love making those fire animals that came so naturally to me. Forming my fire into different shapes and different heat was always so easy. But now, it is the opposite. Because I know that it can hurt me, I have my scars to prove it. Scars covering both my arms…

“Yes you can.” Zuko does not give up on me and he takes a hold of my shoulders, his eyes blazing determined like a fire. A small flash of fear goes through me as I make the connection between Zuko’s eyes and a fire but I quickly push the image away before I become emotional. “You can always control your fire, you just have to be more determined than it is. Remember what Lu Ten said. ‘Fire is a free spirit but with-”

“‘-with determination you can learn to control it’...” I finish for him, remembering the last time Lu Ten was here and tried to make me comfortable with fire again. It did not work but it lessened my fear at least. But I am not sure if I will not freak out over it like I did in school before meeting Lu Ten. I am still scared.

“That’s right. So if you have enough determination, controlling your fire will be as easy as a breeze again.”

I cannot help but laugh at the irony of his words, releasing my hold on my legs so they can slide down under me instead of being pressed to my chest. I smile slightly at the prince.

“That sounded a little bit to what an air bender would say. Are you secretly an air nomad, Zuko?"

"No way, I'm a fire bender." Zuko says back with a grin. I cannot help but widen my smile back, he and Lu Ten can always cheer me up. I hope I can do the same to them someday, but I doubt it would be anytime soon. The two of them seem satisfied with their life so I have no reason to comfort them if they are not sad.

Zuko gently takes my hand, looking down as my smaller hands are lying in his. Slowly, I feel a comfortable warmth surround my hands and I close my eyes, it feels so nice.

“This is another type of fire, Hotaru. You know that. It isn’t dangerous since it’s a part of us.” I look down at our hands, seeing a soft glow surround Zuko’s hands and making me panic slightly, thinking that I will get burned if my hands are still lying there. But before I can pull away, the older boy grips onto my hands tightly and I look up at his face in fear.

_ Will he hurt me? _

That thought about Zuko hurting me immediately disappears when I see that soft look on his face.  _ He… is really trying help me… He won’t hurt me… The fire is in his control… He won’t hurt me... _

I slowly calm down, my breaths growing even and Zuko grins at me. “Great job, Hotaru. That’s the first step. The warmth is nice, isn’t it?”

I look down to our clasped hands, Zuko’s softly glowing in an orange color. It feels like a comfortable, warm blanket that keeps me safe and warm.  _ Yes… this warmth is nice. But, it’s still fire… If it comes to life, it will hurt me, I know it…  _

“I-it’s… nice… But the fire will still hurt me…”

“The fire will only hurt you if I want it to, and I would never hurt a friend.” I look into Zuko’s burning eyes, comforted by his words and relaxes some more. “You know our fire reacts to our emotions. That time you got your burns was because you wanted to hurt your father, that’s why your fire answered to your emotions and started to hurt. But now, you don’t want to hurt me, just how I don’t want to hurt you. So your fire won’t react badly towards it.”

Nervously, I glance down at my gloved hands, the long glove covering my severe burns from a year ago. I still use my fire bending because my father is forcing me to train, but it always gets out of control the moment I see the fire. I just… get so panicked and the fire just grows because of it.

_ Maybe… Maybe Zuko is right… If… if I’m calm, maybe my fire would be calm too… Maybe it’s like Lu Ten said, that you only need determination to control your fire… Can I... ? Can I really trust my fire again? Can I really trust it to not hurt me? Can I really trust it to not hurt others? _

_ … No, I can’t… But I’ll try at least. For Lu Ten and Zuko’s sake… _

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, searching deep inside of me for that familiar fire. I find it immediately, having found it many times in the past so it becomes as easy as breathing. I hesitantly ‘approach’ it, wary that it will suddenly lash out and attack me. But the fire stays there, waiting for me to approach it. I do so slowly, becoming more nervous the closer I get. I feel Zuko squeeze my hands in comfort on the ‘outside’, cheering me on and giving me the slight confidence boost I need. With a silent question of ‘ _ will you hurt me again? _ ’ I stop right in front of the fire. As if the fire has a mind of its own, it ‘twitches’ as if it is annoyed before it slowly ‘drift over’ towards me and I let the fire circle around my body. The heat is gentle, kind and patient in some strange way. I can almost feel that it has emotions, as if it shows the emotion of being sorry for hurting me when it softly increase the heat on my scarred arms to say a ‘sorry’. It is really… strange to suddenly analyze my flame as if it has emotions, why would something that is a part of me have its own emotions in the first place?

“Wow…”

I ignore Zuko’s awed voice, giving my full attention towards my flame. I ask it another question, if it will follow what I want it to do. In response, it dances around me even more in some kind of ‘joy’ that I am thinking about using it again. What is it with my fire? Why is it so different? I do not understand at all. But… my fire seems kind. Why have it never reacted to me like this before? Why did it burn me in the first place if it is so ‘loyal’ towards me? Did it think that encasing my arms in fire would help me in some way? But it should not have burnt me then. It can understand me somehow, but I cannot understand it. Perhaps it could answer the question I have asked myself for so long. I am still wary in my fire’s presence but I am not terrified anymore like I used to do.

_ Did you hurt me because you wanted to? _

At my mental question, I can feel the flow of my fire stop abruptly before it rushes through me at a fast pace before settling down to a normal speed. I suppose that can be the answer ‘no’. But how can my fire have its own thoughts in the first place? Is that why I can… could create animals so easily?

_ Couldn’t you control yourself either and burned me on accident? _

That gentle warmth gets… I do not know but… I suppose you could describe it as ‘timid’ since the heat is still there but not as intense as before. The fire flares up for a short moment, that supposedly being the answer ‘yes’ to my question. Does my fire have emotions? But how? And does these emotions make my fire lose its control to not hurt me when it feels a strong emotion or something of the sort? That is not good… If I feel that kind of strong emotion again, it could hurt me just like a year ago. But perhaps… perhaps my fire deserves a second chance. It seems to have emotions for some reasons and those emotions cause my fire to act gently and calm towards me. I have never heard of a fire with emotions but I suppose I am a special case, just like I always have been.

_ I… will do my best to trust you again… But don’t think that you are completely forgiven, it might take years for me to use you like I did in the past. _

The fire seem delighted that I will give it another chance as the heat inside of me increases to a very comfortable level, like my mother's hugs were from so long ago. I open my eyes again with a small smile, seeing small flickers of fire covering my arms as if my gloves are made of fire. I release my hands from Zuko’s grip rising my hands to my face. Nervously, I summon a flame but as I continue to stare at it and it doesn’t do anything, I slowly relax. I make the flame transform into a cat, said animal lying comfortably in my palm and seeming to purr. The little cat opens its eyes, staring at me while a new wave of heat softly flows through me.

Yes… My fire has its own emotions… Why did I not realize this before? Why did it not show me before? Why did it seem like I had full control over it when it clearly has a small will of its own? Why am I so special? What caused me to gain this kind of special fire? Why did I give it another chance when it can lose its control just as much as I can? Why should I trust it when it can clearly hurt me again?

_ But… I promised I would try… I will do my best to keep that promise. _

So with a shaking hand, I softly stroke the fire animal in my palm, the cat ‘purring’ again and ‘relaxing’ against my little finger. I relax as well when the fire cat doesn’t attack me and I look up to look at Zuko’s completely ecstatic face. I give him a shaky smile in return, taking a deep breath before I continue to pet the fire kitten.

* * *

_ No…. No, no, no, no, no, no!!!!! STOP! DON’T! STOP! _

I cry as I run through the burning house, my house. I broke down when I got home and it caused dire consequences. My room was already on fire by the time I noticed that I lost control of my emotions. I could shift the fire away from me, but I could not shift the fire away from the furniture. I cannot stop it now that it has gotten stuck on a surface, I know how fast it can spread. Father is out on a mission again, another earth bender raid, and mother is out from the house on work. Father’s important documents is protected by fire secure cupboards as well as mothers most important possessions since they thought that with my instability I could burn down the house and put their things in such furniture if that would happen. But I never believed that something like this would happen for real… That it was just safety precautions…

_ No, no, no! Please, don’t let this be true! Why!? You said you would never hurt me anymore!! Why did you set my house on fire!? Why!?! I should have never used fire again! It’s too dangerous! Too out of control! I can’t ever control it again! I can’t control something that’s a part of me! I’m pathetic! A failure! How could this happen!? _

I stop abruptly when I see that my body is still on fire because of my emotions. A familiar panicking feeling erupts within me, making the fire on my body grow even larger. I accidentally stumble into a table, setting it on fire because of the flames surrounding my body even though I only touched it for a second. My eyes widen in panic when I see this, not ever realized that my fire has such enormous heat. Why is it so powerful and warm in the first place? Why does it react like this when I feel such a strong emotion? What makes me so special to receive this curse?

_ I don’t want this! I don’t want a fire this powerful! I want a normal fire, a fire that won’t hurt me! This fire is dangerous! It will trap me in and destroy me! Stop it! I don’t want this fire! Go away!!!! _

I run out my house with a scream choked up in my throat, crashing to the ground once I am outside because I tripped over my own feet in my panic. Thankfully, the grass does not set on fire since it rained the day before so the grass is moist. I quickly get away from the grass, running out on the open street instead before I slump down to the ground in a shaking and crying mess. My panic increases when I see that my body is still on fire and I fruitlessly try to wipe away the fire from me. At least it does not burn my gloves anymore but rather let the gloves act like my skin. The fire does not hurt me at the moment, but you never know when it could if it stays like that for much longer.

The fire gets calmer, as if knowing my intentions as I fruitlessly try to wipe away the flames. I close my eyes tightly, curling up on myself as I cry my whole heart out to the world, showing my truly fragile side as I’m overcome with panic of my fire hurting me again. The fire is still warm, but now I don’t find it comforting at all, I find it terrifying that it is still there. Then, just like that, it disappears. Leaving me absolutely cold instead with my house burning behind me. I ignore the whole world as I continue to cry in my panicked state, wishing that I was born as a normal child without fire bending and without a lieutenant as a father.

_ But dreams never come true, I should know better than to wish for things like this. I should have never trusted it. I will never trust it again, it spoiled its chance to get my trust again. I won’t be a fire bender. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Kudos and comments are always welcome.   
> She tried to rise again only to be burnt down a second time. Now lies a path of struggle on the road she has chosen...


	7. Determined firefly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Hotaru's last year in school in her new home. What will happen after her graduation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I'm so sorry this is so late, I've been too busy traveling around during the weekend to focus on editing this chapter. And when I came back, school started again. It's all gone by in a frenzy.  
> But I hope you enjoy the chapter and that it was worth the wait. I'll do my best to return to my 'every two weeks' schedule!

“May our victory give us a thriving future.“

 

If the Fire Nation win, the whole world will be burned down and then built anew, as a world completely ruled by the Fire Nation. In a world where all other bending than fire bending will be forbidden and the other benders will either become slaves or imprisoned. I knew this by the time I was 11, I had read the books about the history and managed to reveal the sickening truth through father’s conversations. But I won’t let the Fire Nation win. Instead, it is we who will win. And we will be the ones to give a thriving future. Because I have lit that small hope, and it will only grow stronger.

* * *

I stare in complete disbelief at the scene playing out before me, wondering why no one is interfering. Me and my family moved to this city about a month ago since our house burned down and I was once again enrolled in a fire bending school. I absolutely loath fire bending, fire is way too dangerous. Although, I am glad that I have not overreacted enough so my fire bending will flare up on my body like it usually does. But those in school do discuss what is wrong with me for me to not attend to the fire bending lessons. The only ones who I have talked with in a friendly manner is the few colonists we have in the school since they are much more open with others.

And one of those very colonist kids are at the moment being bullied and hit by a noble kid and his gang.

My blood boils at the sight, the familiar heat of my inner fire slowly rising to the surface. I quickly take a calming breath, feeling relieved when the fire steps down somewhat. But even so, the anger is still there and thus the fire is still there. With another calming breath, I steel my resolve and walk over to the group of people, pushing past two girls who are looking at the ‘display’, accidentally hurting one of them in the process. The yelp from the girl brings all attention to me and I quickly apologize to her for shoving her so hard. She is not the one I am angry at. At least it got the bully's attention as well and I glare hard at them.

“What do you think you are doing!?” I shout out loudly while still walking towards them, breaking off from the half circle of Fire Nation students. The boys frown, having paused in their beat up as well as the leader, Zozi, who is aiming a mocking smirk in my direction. No one knows that I’m afraid of fire, at least not yet, so he can’t use anything against me to make him so confident. Unless he sneaked into my house and saw how my father tries to forcefully take away my fear of fire by firing said dangerous element at me. He is only making it worse and I can barely count how many times I have almost burned down our house for a second time.

“Well, if it isn’t the little fly. Are you here to save one of your trashy friends?”

I get even angrier at his comment, my fire shimmering just below my skin but with a forceful ‘push’ the fire backs down enough so I will not panic over its presence. Just because we are the ‘purer’ people in the Fire Nation who have not been mixed with any other nation does not make us any better than the colonists. Of course, I have talked to nobles as well but the colonists being so open comforts me in some kind of way. I stop about three meters from the group, glaring hard at Zozi for his despicable behavior.

“To kick a child simply because he resides from a colony does not results in making you more worthy than he is. Rather, kicking him only makes  _ you _ look like trash.” A few kids around us laugh at my comment, laughing at how I humiliated him in return. Zozi becomes red in the face in anger and the group of three boys steps away from the colonist to glare at me. I can feel the colonist’s eyes on me, but I do not break my gaze from the bully.

“What did you just say?” Zozi asks me angrily, taking a threatening step forward. I take a step forward in return, lifting my chin as a sign of superiority as I narrow my eyes at him.

“I called you trash.”

“How dare you!?” One of Zozi’s ‘friends’ scream out angrily. “If anyone, it’s you who are trash! Socializing with colonists even though you’re a pure Fire Nation citizen!”

“Since when is being social a bad behavior? I know that I am powerful, but I do not need to bully others to prove it, unlike you.”

More students are starting to gather around us, wanting to see the fight that will soon break out between us. Zozi is the one who charges first, even angrier because of my obvious insult, with a fist raised to hit me in the face. I avoid the hit easily with a step to the side and grab onto his arm, kicking his legs so he falls forward and twist his arm painfully behind his back in one fluid motion. My father is much faster than this boy is so seeing him move so slow makes it ridiculously easy for me to avoid and counter. When Zozi lands on the ground, I bend back his arm slightly further, putting my foot on his back to make my grip even more painful. When Zozi cries out in pain, his other two friends sets off into motion.

The first one, Lee, also tries to punch me in the head but I release Zozi’s arm so I can duck under Lee’s punch. I kick him in the gut to get him away from me, catching the third one’s fist on reflex and throw him right onto Zozi. With two of them moaning in pain on the ground and one sitting on the ground holding his stomach, I walk over towards the colonist with sharp steps. The boy flinches as I get closer to him but soon relaxes when I put a smile on my face and hold out a hand to help him up.

“Here, let me help you.” The boy, Jin Zen, timidly takes my hand and I easily pull him up from the ground. The group of students who have gathered around us slowly disperses since the action is over and the boys will probably not attack me again. I lightly brush off his uniform and take out my handkerchief to wipe his lip free from blood.

“Why-why did you help me…?”

I look at him as if he has two heads. What reason do I have to  _ not _ help him? He may be a colonist and have different views from the rest of the class, and he may be really bad at fighting, but he is still a part of our nation, a part of our people. He is a perfectly normal human and even though he goes against the norm, he is just like everyone else.

“What are you saying? Anyone with honor would protect someone from their nation if they can.” I look pointedly at the children who are still surrounding us and they twitch at my stare, quickly scrambling away. I do not know if it is from my words or my stare, but they move away nonetheless. But I do see a few of them whisper to each other, laughing afterwards. They are most likely mocking me, but I do not care about that. What I do care about are the ones who were affected by my words, those are the better people of the Fire Nation. I turn back to Jin Zen, acting as if I did not just stare accusingly at the children around us.

“Since I want my honor intact, I cannot idly sit by while one of our nation is being bullied like that. So I intervened. Just because you come from a colony does not make you any different. We may be nobles but being noble does not give us the permission to be cruel to others in my opinion. We are all humans with different ranks, our ranks should not divert us from protecting our kind.”

I then give Jin Zen a small smile, giving him a small wave before turning around and walking towards my next class. The three boys who attacked the colonist earlier have all run away from me but I do not mind. Rather, I appreciate it. When they do find out about my fear over fire, they will undoubtedly use that fear against me to pay me back. But if they are afraid of me beforehand, they might hesitate to do so.

_ I hate it how the nobles treat the colonists. What have they ever done wrong? What is it with everyone dividing the people? Sure, we take care of the nobles and those who are born in the Fire Nation, but everyone outside the Fire Nation are treated like they are freaks or trash most of the time because they live in a different nation than us. I just don’t understand why people teach their children to treat others like that. _

_ Why can’t everyone be equal instead of separating the nobles, army, royalty, colonists and common citizens? Why can’t everyone be treated the same way? It IS human nature to do so, but still, they don’t have to be so cruel. Also, those colonies aren’t good for the other nations, rather than gathering the land together, it divides them even more. The Fire Nation are cruel towards everyone who isn’t a part of them, imprisoning those who have a different bending ability, destroying the homes of those who resist. I hate it! I hate how other people are treated! Why can’t anyone understand that we don’t need to cause all the pain everyone are experiencing!? If we stop attacking the other nations we can solve it! Just by releasing the prisoners the Fire Nations have taken, to make them go back to their families, we can make the other nations trust us again! That way the world could be at peace!! This never ending war has gone on for 100 years, it’s not too late to stop it! Why can’t anyone see that!? Why can’t anyone empathize with the other nations!? Am I the only one who does!? If I am, I’m disappointed in this country! I-I…  _

_ I would rather have become an… an earth-nation citizen or something… Just to live and grow up somewhere else, to just be a kid without any noble worries… So I won’t experience any pain, so I will not completely understand the situation and be disgusted by the actions my country is doing… To not have this… dangerous bending inside of me that can kill me if it goes out of control… If I had been born somewhere else… If I hadn’t been a prodigy… I could have been a normal kid… _

* * *

I am standing outside father’s new office, having created another listening hole for me to listen in on his conversations. But this time, I have created the hole so it is connected to the garden porch. In our new house, the bathroom and father and mother’s bedroom are next to his study. I could have made the hole in the roof since my room is directly above father’s study but that would have caught his attention since wood splinter would fall down from the roof every time I opened the hole. I have placed the listening hole in such a position so it is close to the ground behind father. I usually lie down on the porch on normal days to stare up into the sky so it would not look strange for me to lie down there so I could listen to father’s conversation. Nanny has found out about my listening hole when I was careless and did not cover it completely with my hair, but she simply smiled, put her finger over her mouth in a ‘shush’ motion before carrying on with her work with the laundry.

I do not know what I would have done if it was anyone else than nanny who found out about my need to know everything.

At the moment, Father is having another meeting with a general, talking about their ship’s route, where they will be going this month and how Ba Sing Se will need back up. I know that Iroh is the one leading the attack on Ba Sing Se, but I personally do not understand why he wants to do that. How could a kind person like Iroh not understand what we are doing towards the other nations? How could his pride as a Fire Nation soldier over shine his empathy for others? Am I really the only one who fully tries to understand how the other nations feel? Am I the only one who want to put a stop to this war out of all Fire Nation citizens? Am I the only one who hates the selfish reason why we started this war?

“I need most of your fleet to join me as backup for General Iroh, we cannot risk to lose this battle.”

“Of course, admiral. I shall take the sailing routes to secure the Fire Nation colonies. May our victory give us a thriving future.”

“Indeed, we will prove that fire is the strongest element.”

I can then hear the rustling of clothing as the admiral stands up and father with him to follow him to the door. I put back the wooden disk to my listening hole, staring up into the sky and watching the clouds sail by.

_ I wonder if Lu Ten is ok… He’s really strong, but he’s in the middle of that war together with Iroh. I actually got a present from Iroh not too long ago, a book on yoga, something to calm my mind he wrote in the letter. He knows about my fear too, so he probably wants me to do those to calm down… But it won’t help, nothing ever helps. My fire always ends up scaring me, it can hurt me anytime it wants. I gave it one chance, but it ruined it. I won’t give it another chance either, it will only hurt me again if I do. _

I sigh, turning over to my side, curling up into a ball. I will also graduate fire bending school soon, I wonder what will happen then… I have managed to save up a lot of money by taking small amounts every month from my parents just in case father tries more drastic measures to make me join the military. I could run away whenever I wish thanks to my preparations. When both of my parents were gone for business trips, I tested out on living out in the woods for two days to put the knowledge I have gained from reading books to test. I made it just fine, a little disgusted by how dirty I became, but I can survive out there on my own. I could use my money to get food, build a small house for myself in the woods to get cover, and if I don’t have any more money, I could use my infiltrator skills to steal more or get a job. I am not picky, not like the other nobles. I have prepared myself to face the real world since two years ago, when I got burned and tried to convince father to not enter me into the army.

I close my eyes as I imagine how it would be, to live on my own. I would miss mother and father. No matter how unfair they have been, they are still my parents and I love them. But I would miss Nanny more than I would miss them, she is the one who have always helped me no matter the situation. Perhaps I could find Lin somewhere if I do end up running away, it would be good to see her again. But if I ran away, I would not be able to see Azula, Zuko or Lu Ten again. I think I would miss them the most… Because I cannot escape to the capital, father would find me easily then. And neither of my friends have any reason to get into the wild from the capital either so I would not be able to see them at all.

I suddenly feel a little cold at the thought of not seeing my friends, if I do have to run away from home. I would not be able to trust anyone out there, forced to wander alone until I find a nice place to settle down in, where no one knows the true me. That thought makes me feel even colder, that I would have to hide my true self from everyone, that I wouldn’t be me anymore. I hope to Agni and everything holy that nothing bad will happen after I have finished school.

As I lie there, cold, my fire comes forth from deep within me to warm me up. This time, I accept it. Because feeling warm, even though it is from something I cannot trust, is better than feeling cold. So I fall asleep with the warm blanket of my inner fire comforting me. What I did not understand however, was that my fire has reacted to my thoughts and giving me a silent message through its action.

“ _ You won’t be alone. I will always be here for you. _ ”

* * *

“Hotaru, we have just received a message from General Iroh.”

I look up from my graduation papers to give all of my attention towards father. I could barely believe that I have graduated, after father talked to the teacher I even graduated from the fire bending lessons even though I did not attend to a single one of them. I do not know if my graduating is a good or a bad thing, but only father’s reaction to it will prove if it is good or bad. And now we have gotten a letter from Iroh? I wonder if they have conquered Ba Sing Se yet.

“Here is the letter addressed to you, although I highly doubt it will say anything other than what was written in ours.” Father tells me with a frown on his face. The look in his eyes show that he is disgusted by something. But what could he possibly be disgusted over?

I hesitantly take the letter from father, looking at my name that is written with Iroh’s perfect handwriting in a slight daze. Just how I looked at my graduation papers earlier. I do not open it yet, because I can feel that father has something else to tell me. So I look up at father, meeting his amber eyes with my own. Just like I expected, he had something more to say, because he soon looks at me with a stern gaze and starts off with saying my name. That is always the introduction to a ‘speech’ or ‘lesson’ of my future… 

“Hotaru. Now that you have graduated from the fire bending academy, you need to follow up your studies at another school. Most schools take five years to graduate from but the one you are going to enroll in will be determined by you how fast you graduate. If you behave well enough, you might even graduate within two years instead of the normal five. The school you will be enrolling in is the military school where only children whose parents are a part of the military can attend to. There, you will gain great allies who can help you on your journey up the ranks and you will be the most fruitful student they will have.”

When I open my mouth to protest, an angry look from father immediately silences me. I flinch and look down at my lap, staring at the rotten graduation paper. I grip onto it hard, limbs trembling slightly as I struggle to hold back my anger.

_ It’s your fault… it’s all your fault stupid paper… _

In a sudden flare, the graduation paper starts to burn but leaves the letter from Iroh unharmed. Before I even realized that it came and went, my fire had burned up that stupid paper into ashes that now lie in my lap. I quickly stand up with my letter in my hand, letting the crumpled, black paper fall to the floor. In slight panic, I run past my father, up the stairs towards my room. I can hear father’s sigh in disappointment behind my back and it makes me feel even worse.

When I finally come back from my panic, I realize that I am already packing my things into the two bags I have to leave. And when I do realize it, I come to a sudden halt just as I am about to put in two snares of rope into my backpack.

_ I… I will really have to leave now… I hate the military, I don’t want anything to do with it. And if I stay here, I will have no choice but to go to that school. I would be forced to join the military force and attack the other nations… I refuse to do it, I absolutely refuse! I-I can’t stay here but… I-I will leave everything I know behind me. _

I quickly start packing again, ignoring the small tear that is rolling down my cheek. My body is cold again, no matter what I do, my father will never listen to me. Neither will my mother because she wants me to be a part of the military just as much as father. I will not be able to see Zuko, Azula or Lu Ten again, but I cannot stay. It is impossible for me to stay and do something I absolutely do not want to do. I have prepared myself for two years, mentally told myself that I will leave if it comes to it. 

But now that the moment has come… I am scared… Truly terrified to leave everything behind me and do something that I want to do for once. I have never been brave or been able to stand against my parents for very long. Doing this will make me free, free to do as  _ I _ wish and the thought about it makes me so happy that I could burst. But by doing so, I would have to leave everything else behind me, only a few prized possessions could come with me but nothing else. I would leave my comfortable home, leave my delicious food, leave my higher status and leave all my family and friends.

Can I really do that? Can I really leave it all behind for such a selfish reason as to not join the military?

As I come back to reality again I realize that I have actually packed everything that I have prepared except for my clothes and necessities. I am almost done… If I get done packing, I have no choice but to leave. It is not too late yet, it is not too late to try and convince father to not enroll me into that school. It is not too late to unpack all my things and stay here where I have everything I could ever need, just not a place where I am truly comfortable.

I look over towards Iroh’s letter, said thing lying on the floor next to my backpack, forgotten in my frenzy to gather the things I’d need for my journey. I hesitantly reach out a hand towards the letter,  hand trembling at my underlying fear as I slowly open it and read it carefully.

By the time I have finished reading the letter, I am shaking and crying, being just as weak as I was when I just burned down our previous house. Only this time, I am not weak through panic, but weak through happiness and grief at the same time. It is a strange sensation, how could anyone be both happy and sad at the same time? But it is possible, because that is what I am feeling at the moment.

_ Lu Ten… Lu Ten has died… _

The thought makes me cry even harder but I started to smile as I remember the last lines on the letter from Iroh. Father was wrong, this letter is so much more different than theirs. Iroh put all his thoughts and feelings into this letter, not just a simple report. He told me of everything he thought was good about me, everything I should work on, how my fire is so special and that it would be a shame if I never used it again. But one paragraph stood out from the rest of the letter, that one paragraph gave me confidence enough to pack the last of the things I need. 

I will leave tomorrow night. I will tell Nanny, she will understand and make me food to take with me. Maybe Nanny is thinking the same thing Iroh is thinking. If that is the case, she will undoubtedly help me tomorrow. When the time has come for dinner, I walk down the stairs with grief covering my being to hide the small spark of hope within me. Thinking about that last paragraph Iroh wrote in his letter makes handling the death of Lu Ten a little easier.

“ _ By now you should have graduated, right? I know how you have never wanted to be in the military and now I realize that I do not want you to be in it either. Go off and fly away little firefly, I am sure we will meet again one day.  _

_ From Iroh. _ ”


	8. The gathering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotaru has lived in this town for a while now. She has started to plan for her future, moving small pieces and putting them at the right places. She will gather up those who are lost and start something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, over a month? I didn't mean to be this late!  
> With school coming to an end for me soon, I've been more busy than before, but now with a week left I have more time on my hands and could finally finish correcting this chapter. A lot of ideas and thoughts had to be changed to seem more realistic. Things can't happen in only a few months like I originally thought. Such childish thinking from me.. 
> 
> Anyways! Enjoy the new chapter. ^^

### “She’s always so high and mighty, looking down on us from her high chair!“

I do not want to be placed above you all. I want to be your equal, all of your equal. But my mannerism simply points out that I have been raised differently, have a habit of doing different things than others. Those habits that I have grown up with make it seem like I view myself as the higher person. But that is not how I think. I am not better than anyone else. I am just as good or important as that little baby who was just born.

I will make this world as equal as I can, I can promise you that.

* * *

I am walking through the small city, a bag full of food in my arms. I am wearing simple clothes now, a pair of cotton pants and a kimono shirt, both clothing in red while the band holding together my top is yellow. Compared to my previous clothing in more expensive fabric and more detailed clothes, it took some time getting used to it. But I soon found the fabric comfortable after a few weeks of walking around in it. Neither am I tying my hair with any accessory in my hair, but use only a simple ribbon to make the traditional bun. I still have my gloves, since it is very important that they are fire resistant, so those are the only clothing that are relatively expensive on my person.

I actually did not change from my slightly more expensive clothing until I met my new ‘comrades’ if you can call them that. The black and simple clothing I had were cheap in my standards, but when they convinced me to sell my old clothing and buy new, they were absolutely ecstatic at how much money I got. I found the price to be nothing special, as spoiled as I apparently am.  And when I saw what they normally manage to eat and how much that food cost, I realized that 10 gold coins are a lot in the way they are living. I try to follow the same life style, but it’s… difficult. If they got a sniff on how much money I actually brought with me, they would get really angry at me and probably ask why I did not use that money to give them food every day. I will use my money when it is absolutely necessary for my own needs, it must last for a long time after all. And it is truly difficult to change your lifestyle to that of a ‘peasant’ as my father would call it. Or ‘street rats’ as those children I have met are. I am truly struggling to not flinch away from their stench… but they are useful for gaining information from on how this town work.

So to come back to the original topic, I now have six pair of clothes and seven pair of gloves to properly match the clothing I have bought. The gloves are of special material to resist getting burnt whenever my fire get out of control from my ho-... previous home. While the clothing I have bought in town is made from simple, cheap cotton. I am just glad I did not get rash from this type of material, it did itch a lot for a long time but it never got worse than that. I still have the shoes I began my travels with, a pair of thick, but elegant boots ending right below my knee with red lining along the shoe. They look almost like cheap boots but they are much sturdier than the shoes you can buy here so I decided to keep them. I have also a second pair of lighter shoes with me during the warmer periods of summer , but I will not need them since it is the middle of spring. I ended school in the beginning of fourth month and wandered for a little more than two weeks until I found this small town. It was difficult to be completely dependent on myself… and very difficult to sleep. But since I had trained a little for this, it was not as much of a shock to change lifestyle so suddenly. I do miss my luxury… but I would rather be free to do what I want to than be chained by my parents expectations and pride for the family. Sometimes I wonder how and why I kept ‘my own way of thinking’ despite the many speeches I have heard of honour, family and duty to your country.

It was about one weeks after I settled down in this town when I met my new ‘companions’ in this town. I am living in the woods, just how I was planning to do from the beginning, in a small cottage that I had found close to a river. When I met the street rats, I was in town to shop some simple food to eat for dinner that I could cook with my simple camp fire. I use my fire simply to light up the fire now… because the less I use it, the more of a possibility that it will run amok. I am still afraid of it and contain it in a metal bucket that has holes for air in it. I need it to cook the food I gather. I had long since eaten the boxes of food Nanny made for me and I had started to buy simple food like bread, rice, spices and an occasional package of ham together with the wild berries and sometimes wild animals and fish I managed to catch. Father would not approve of me killing and skinning animals like some kind of barbarian… it is much easier to fish now that I have a fishing line to use. I never managed to catch any fish in the ‘barbarian’ way. However, two times a week, I allow myself to eat at the cheapest restaurant but other than that, my diet was not so varied. I was foolish enough to eat at the restaurant for all of my meals for five days when I arrived to town since I was tired of the ‘barbarian’ life. I am truly ashamed of my snobbish actions because that caused my money to go wasted fast. Even though I have a lot that I have taken from my own and fathers savings, I would need the money for a long time.

But I was in town, buying food, when a sudden rainstorm hit our area while I was walking away from the marketplace. I did not have time to run to my own little house in the woods so I ran around town looking for shelter. That was when I found my companions under one of the bridges. They were hostile first and tried to take the food and money I had with me, but I had enough fighting experience to apprehend them easily. Not to mention that they were weak from loss of nutrients and exhaustion so that made it almost laughingly easy. After that, they did not bother me anymore and I left them when the storm settled down with all of my things on my person. When I saw one of the children in the group looking for food around town, I bought a few things and gave the food to them. Since I had money, why not share the joy of food with other children who were in worse predicament than I? I could still technically get food from the forest around my house if I struggle with money. So sharing once in awhile would not be too much of a loss.

Soon enough, the children wanted to meet me again and one of them led me to their meeting place. It was an absolutely hideous place that I would have never thought of walking to before. The stench was horrible and rats everywhere. Once again, I realized how spoiled I am when I had to cover my nose to not lose my stomach at the smell. The meeting place is always varied however since they don’t have a place to stay. I wish one place was prettier than the next but all of their ‘homes’ are hideous. they cannot be picky since they aren't lucky how I was nor as brave to live in the forest around wild animals. I am confident in my skills if I do end up meeting a bear or boar. Those meetings happened more and more as time passed and soon I found myself a part of the group even though I do not sleep with them or socialize with them as much. They would look for food in the trash cans and try begging for money so they could buy something. More often than not did they have to steal food. And they thought that I could provide food for them since I seem to have money. But if I do that, my money would not last longer than a month until I was forced to live similar them so we settled with a meal from me one time every week. Which then increased to two times a week in return for any information they gather about the town we live in.

There are a total of five children in the group, all who have either lost their homes, parents or have been sent away because they did not live up to the family name. Again, it comes down to honor. I am an oddity for running away from my honor while they would have dreamed of taking my place. The oldest out of them is 14 and he is the ‘leader’ of their younger group of street rats. He does not remember his name because he lost his family when he was very young. With no one wanting to take care of him properly, he never got an official name to go by. He was for some reason cast out from any family he has been a part of, for reasons he will not share, so he has the most experience in living on the streets out of them. When he saw other children in his position, he took in all the other children so they could survive as well. We all call him Ikem, which is a name for a person who is hardworking.

I learned of the life as a ‘street rat’ from the group and realized that I have a much better ‘street rat’ life than I thought. If I would describe my living conditions, it would not be described as a ‘street rat’ either. I have a place to sleep every night, I can fight to protect myself, I have money so I can buy food and I have education and personality enough to get a job. They can’t get a job because they can easily be pointed out as ‘street rats’ and thus incapable of doing a job without any form of education or experience. Adults in this town are rarely nice towards the children and it is thanks to Ikem that the group is still holding together and surviving with what survival skills he has gathered. But they aren’t living somewhat comfortably as I am.

I can go through town and talk to people, get to know them and stay on their good side. I have lied to those who want to speak with me and said that I and my mother have just moved in, that we are short on money and that I am the one who has to buy groceries because she is too sick. I am close enough to the river to bathe regularly and clean my clothes so I will look like a normal commoner. I do not have to worry about surviving because I know that I have enough food and water to get by. I simply enjoy myself and adapt to my situation lacking wealth as well as I can. I even have the beginning of employment from a very lucky coincidence. The cafe I always buy sugar crystals at, just to satisfy my sweet tooth, were very busy one day with some travelers while I was inside the shop and I stepped in to help. It happened two days ago and I have no doubt that they will ask me to work there if I help out a second time, they were impressed by my politeness towards the traveling customers.

So, really, I could have had it much worse than I have. I who thought it was horrible the first two weeks wandering through the country and there they are living like animals. It’s horrible just to think about it.

I duck under a metal pipe I almost hit my head on, continuing on walking down the dark, smelly ally. I am on my way to the group’s gathering point, where they all gather for the evening to see if they got any food or coins for the day. This is the usual spot we have decided on as I come with my ‘deliveries’ to them all. I shift the basket of food I am currently holding, pulling up the scarf around my neck so it will cover my nose and block out the majority of their stench. I have sprayed it with just small drops of a perfume I made for myself. Listening and watching my mother work for her company has been fruitful to make it. There is no stand in this town that sell perfume since this is not the usual trading town with a lot of resources. I can hear the sound of laughter as I get closer to my destination, a smile hidden behind my scarf at the sound. Even though they have such poor living conditions, they can still be so happy over the smallest of things. I soon arrive at the small cross roads of alley ways, where the children are sitting on top of some crates and on the ground in a neat circle.

Their bodies are frail and you can see clear signs of starvation on them. Their stench is horrible without my scarf covering my nose because they rarely bathe, not once using soap like I am. Their cheeks are slightly sunken in, but not as much as they were when I first met the children. They have gotten a lot healthier with my help even though they only get a proper meal twice a week. But thanks to those meals, their eyes seem to be shining now and they do not have to worry about starving for a full week any longer. Which in turn make them happier. I am so glad that I can be of use to them and help their living conditions, only a little. I can’t train them to fight since they are too weak with the lack of food to barely be able to punch, but I can satisfy their stomachs at least. It also help with my own conscience. To help and support others when I could not do the same for my family honor...

I do not hesitate to step forward, glad that I'm wearing my scarf this time and smile towards them with my eyes.

“When was the last time all of you washed off in the river? You should try and bathe more to not gain as much attention.”

The children quickly look over in my direction, huge smiles appearing on their faces when they see that it is me. I quickly hold out my hand for them to stop when all of them stand up, the youngest in the group looking ready to pounce on me.

“No, no, no! I refuse to hug any of you, I will be as clean as possible tomorrow morning so none of you will hug me today.”

Lola, a girl who is six years old and the very youngest who has been cast out for reasons unknown to me, skips over to me before the others. It is barely worth skipping for with how close we were, silly girl. Lola stares up at me, her grey eyes sparkling and her short, fluffy black hair sticking out everywhere over her dirty face. I wrinkle my nose as the smell go through my perfume protection but nether less smiles at the bright girl. She is the one who introduced me to the group in the beginning, a naive and bright little child.

“Lin! Lin! What did you bring today?”

My smile widen to a grin as I ruffle Lola’s head, since I have gloves and can always change into one of my other pairs tomorrow. Of course, I am not free from dirt either, but nowhere near as filthy as the other children. I have cut my hair slightly shorter during my stay so I would not spend as much shampoo as I usually did at ho-old home.But I will always keep enough hair so I would still be able to tie it into a traditional top knot. It is a way to show I am a part of the society after all. None of the children have long hair, settling for short since it is easier to wash out and will not get stuck everywhere. They have had me trim their hair when I pointed out their ‘tangled hair’ problems.

“I brought the usual, rice, bread, ham and a little bit of cheese.” I tell her, opening my basket and hold up a box of rice I have. It comes from my lunch boxes which I now use to eat from as a plate or give to the street rats to eat rice from. I hope I can sometime gather more money so I dare to buy a book on wild life I have seen in the book store. It has all edible and poisonous plants of fire nation inside of it and will be extremely useful if I ever need to treat wounds.

Shouts of glee is my reward and Ikem nods towards me in thanks which in turn makes me smile wider. Being with these children is really comfortable, even though they are really smelly. I like it here in this town so far. I do miss home but this is also a chance for me to grow as a person. Ikem clap his hands loudly to quiet them down.

“Alright everyone, you know how it goes. Stand in a line, youngest first, and Lin will give out the food. I got your box with me Lin, don't worry.”

Everyone happily do as he says, standing in line and receiving their food. With two quick cuts with my knife, I cut off a loaf of bread and a bit of cheese to the five children, Ikem included, also giving them two slices of ham and one handful of rice with a bit of rice to spare. After they got their meal, they go off to their eating places, which are the crates. Once all the children have gotten their food, I get my share, leaning against the wall and staring at my companions while I eat.

Much to my surprise, Ikem stays by the wall with me today a meter away, leaning on the wall just like I am. With his mouth full of food, he starts talking to me. But I cannot decipher anything that he says so I sigh slightly in irritation at his actions.

“Please chew before you speak, Ikem. I cannot hear what you are telling me.”

Ikem swallows, his dark brown eyes twinkling and his equally dark brown hair cut short and greasy. He has small freckles dusting his cheeks which fit his cheerful personality. It is unusual to have that hair and eye color in the Fire Nation, but no one seems to care about that in this group. They are all in the same predicament and he is their leader. He waves around his loaf of bread, clearly excited and grinning at me as a message of success.

“We got a lot of money today, Lin! One gold and five silver coins! I found a gold coin on the ground and now we’ll be able to eat food every day for a week! Isn’t it great?”

I smile with my eyes at Ikem’s enthusiasm, silently wondering if it was okay to use one of my friend’s name as an alias. After all, I cannot call myself Hotaru, that would make me a clear target with a red flag for father to find IF he is trying. The information network of the military is good enough to find me if I bring too much attention towards myself, and you never know what can happen so I would rather stay safe with a fake name.

“That is fantastic. Although, should the ‘leader’ really be so enthusiastic and scream it out to the world? The older ‘street rats’ might be close enough to hear you.”

That immediately makes Ikem tense and get serious, realizing how wrong it was for him to shout it out so loudly. He is only 14 after all, even though he has lived on the streets for most of his life he cannot think of everything when he is in such high spirits.

“Yeah, you're right.”

A peaceful silence then envelops our small group of eating children with my heart growing warmer when each child has their eyes sparkling like fireworks in glee. Song has the blanket I have given them tied around her like a robe so they will not lose it. Zhou is hesitant to eat the cheese since he has never liked it but after a reminder that it’s food from the one year older boy, Chay, he eats the cheese as we do. The age in the group goes like this; Lola being six. Zhou is eight, Chay nine, Song 11 and finally Ikem being 14. He is the ‘big brother’ of the group and he said that he also sees me as one of his siblings even though I am not living with them. I also think that Song is starting to like Ikem a little more than a friend, which I absolutely support.

When our late lunch or early dinner is done, Ikem invites me to stay with them to talk for a short while. I gladly do so, since I have gotten used to their smell behind my scarf, and the six of us just talk about simple, mundane things, laughing when we find something funny. It’s just a carefree conversation like I used to have with Zuko and Lu Ten. My talks with Azula got more and more tense as the years went by after all so I cannot compare this with one of my conversations with her.

Ikem suddenly gets very serious in the middle of laughing to stare at me deep in thought. I get slightly uneasy by his intense stare but it is Song who asks him what is wrong.

“You know, I just realized something… I might keep this group together, but since you came, we’ve had it a lot easier… We’re a lot stronger too.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, slightly surprised by the sudden turn of events. Whatever made him say something like that? Ikem sits up straighter, a large grin on his face as he dramatically point at me, but without touching as I have asked.

“You will be the real leader of our group!”

“What?”

Instead of sounds of confusion how I did, all the other children happily agrees with Ikem’s sudden announcement. Song smile slightly, nodding towards me in agreement to Ikem’s words. However, I am still confused as to what brought this on. I only spend two evenings with them every week, I cannot see myself as their leader. That would need a lot more time getting to know the group and actually lead them.

“Why do you want me to be the leader? You are doing a fine job by yourself. Besides, I cannot live with you, I have to take care of myself first. We have already gone through this.”

“Yeah, we have.” Chey says, following along on Ikem’s thought on having me as their leader. “But you’re doing so much for us, you are our leader. It started when you gave us food! Ikem takes care of us but without you we wouldn’t be this happy!”

I frown slightly, looking around at the groups of children. We are all children, I have to remind myself. But with how they speak I cannot help but think of myself as more grown up.

“I… Do not believe I fill in the correct qualifications within this group to take that kind of position…”

“You have that aura a leader should have.” Ikem starts off, possibly not knowing what ‘qualifications’ is and clap his hands on his thin knees. “That confidence, the head to always think everything through and you even have studied! Also that you can fight, you could stand up against the older street rats.”

“And you’re really nice and think of others.” Song comments lightly, placing a hand on my gloved one as a silent sign of trust. “You always put yourself first but you also care about others. You could have left us alone, but you helped us and give us food.”

“And, and you’re already our big sis! I like having big brother but it would be even better if big sis was here too.” Lola shouts out excitingly. Zhou put a hand on her head to silence the little girl, knowing that I cannot be with them like she wants me to.

“When Ikem is the leader, we are just… Alive. But when Lin is our leader, we are happy. If we don’t get enough to eat for a day, we know that we can hold out until you come with food for us. We don’t care if you’re not living with us, you’re our leader already.”

I look at all five children, still very surprised at suddenly getting the title of a leader thrown at me. But after I think over it for a few seconds, I realize that I rather... Enjoy having that type of title and responsibility. I was raised to think of every situation, just like a leader would. I was raised to be polite and diplomatic, just like a leader should be. I was… molded to accept and take the role of a leader within the military. And I feel.. At home a proud that I can be a leader. A leader that I want to be. And not a leader commanding troops for an attack how my father would. I was molded and raised to think like this, that is nothing I can refuse or resist. And I enjoy that I am bringing a little more of my family’s expectations with me. So I accept my new title with a smile and a nod, making the children cheer and throw their hands up in the air.

_I wonder how this will turn out… Now I have five children under my ‘command’ who are counting on me so they can live. Perhaps… Perhaps if this grows, we could be something more than just ‘street rats’. Perhaps we could be more than just something to bypass and actually do something good in the society. I will never know if I never try to change things. I think I already start to have some ideas how to use them… Not use them as in for my own gain, but for theirs as well. I just need a few more adjustments and it might work out in my favor… It will be hard. We have a long road ahead._

* * *

“Lin! Another order coming up!”

“Coming!” I reply over my shoulder even as I continue to stack up dirty dishes onto the tray I am holding. With the balance and strength that comes from my regular training, training I still preform from my time with father since old habits die hard, I easily maneuver between the tables to get to the order shaft. I stand on my tip toes to push the tray of dirty dishes into the shaft before I take the tray of a heated sandwiches and the slip of paper that comes with it. Seeing that the order is for table 6, I quickly walk over towards the two chatting women with a polite smile. The attention of the two females are changed towards me when I place the hot sandwich in front of the black curly haired woman.

“Excuse me. Please enjoy your meal.” I tell the two with a smile and bow to them with my hands clasping the tray to my side to show respect. The woman simply laughs me off, nodding back in thanks.

“Why, thank you Lin. You’re as cheerful and polite as always.”

I let out a laugh of my own, perfectly controlled to be polite, dismissive and amused at the same time while I cover my mouth delicately with my hand. Just how my mother taught me.

“Thank you, you are too kind. It was how I was raised by-.” I let my smile fall slightly, feeling a bit ashamed. It is part of my facade I show in this town, but I still feel regret for leaving my family. As soon I meet one of the woman’s gaze of pity, I put on a much more fake looking smile to play my role. To ‘reassure’ them that I am alright.

“But thank you, miss. Enjoy your meal.” I once again bow to the two women, walking over towards another table that has finished dishes on it. I bow to the occupants as apology for interrupting and stack them up on the empty tray I am holding. I can hear the women talk in low tone behind my back as I make my way to the counter and I listen intently to see if I was convincing.

“That’s right… Didn’t her mother die recently because of her disease?”

“Yes, she did… It’s too bad the tranquility of the forest didn’t help with her health… Poor girl, now she’s all alone and have to work so hard for only herself…”

I close my eyes silently, both in relief and slight shame. Once again I have spun them around my lie and made it easier for them to trust me. It is so easy to make people think what you want them to think if you play out the correct emotions and say the correct words. It is too easy with the guidance I have received since birth that I feel slightly bad for fooling these people. I still have not gotten used to it but I know I will do it as easy as breathing if I give myself enough time. I do not feel that bad for lying to these people. Even though I have lied about my background, I have not lied about my personality. If I had lied about that, I would feel much worse than I do for lying about my background.

I continue on with my work, taking orders, delivering orders and cleaning up dirty dishes. This café is not that busy so I do have times when I stand by the counter and wait. I have settled in quite nicely with my job and I have now lived in this town for eight months, it is autumn and the trees close to my home are a bright and beautiful red. I work every day at the café, allowing myself to get only a few weekends off to relax. I need any money I can have with my future plans.

As far as the town know, I moved in a small house further up into the forest together with my sick mother eight months ago. Before that, we were living in another much larger town where my mother got regular visits from the doctor. When they could not find out what her sickness was, nor how to cure it, they suggested a peaceful tranquil life in a smaller town would be good enough to increase her health. So we moved into that cottage, selling our larger house in the first town and decided to live on the resources we got from the beginning. But the money quickly went down the drain when we had to pay for my mother’s regular medicines and I was always the one to buy food and resources so we got less nutritious food as the day passed.

With less food, her condition got worse, which made me buy more medicine for her, which made our budget even worse which forced me to take up work as a waitress. Then she died from her illness, two months ago, just after I had gotten a job. The café’s regulars all know of my story, as well as most of the owners of the stores in the market, but no one would ever investigate a child and her mother’s background, much less visit the household in fear of catching the mother’s disease or make the mother’s condition worse. And now, I am still ‘saddened’ by her death and have to take up more work so I would be able to survive on my own. Although, I do not have to pay any rent for the house, since I do not have any electricity or water flowing through it, so all the money goes to food. And the food goes off to feed the hungry mouths of me and the street rats since I do not want to take too much from the forest.

Yes, I have united the street rats in my care, even the older ones. I approached the other street rats in a more forward way than I did for my first companions, straight up asking them if they wanted a roof to sleep under and the assurance that they would get food at least once daily. Of course, I did not do it until I started to work and got the regular pay any employee at the café would get. Also, getting free sugar crystals from the café is not bad either. When I asked the street rats if they wanted a roof to sleep under, they thought that I was crazy. All groups thought I was crazy since no one helps a street rat. But I continued to pursue them until they all agreed. I even managed to have some get out from doing jobs for the gang in this town to depend on me. I suppose I made a good impression on them with my confidence and determination. Those are older than I am. I am still surprised that I managed to pin their leader down… I had mostly luck on my side.

There are a total of 4 groups of ‘street rats’ in my newly expanded house. One of them being my first companions while the other groups are children who they have been rivals with. One group is around 7-14 years of age, the same age as my first companions. The other two groups are the older street rats, the eldest who worked for the gang while the other mostly focused on hoard stealing and hiding. Both of the groups are 12-19 years old consisting of five people, older than me who I still somehow managed to convince. I was certain that those two groups would have turned away when I asked, seeing as they had their own way to survive and keep healthy. I truly do not know why they decided to join a child like me. One commented how it ‘felt right’, but that tells me nothing. Thankfully, they all listen to me for now because I both help them and could beat them in a fight if it comes to it. I may be 12 years old and not that strong physically, but because of their weakened bodies and my flexibility and speed, I can still beat them in a fight. That may not last long considering I feed them every day, so I always have a hidden worry for a rebellion against me...

When I let all of the street rats gather by my house, it almost broke out into a fight until one of the more reasonable older ones stopped them all with his… bending and asked me what was going on. I was really struggling to keep a straight face, thankfully far away enough to not panic over his element and simply gestured towards my the piles of wooden planks beside my cottage. They quickly got the idea, asked me for clarification, to which I nodded and I told them that we will all help in building our house. I got the wooden planks from a carpenter further in the city who I do not meet as often and who does not know my background. He was also the one who helped me carry all the planks into the woods. The weeks that took on building the house, going after some blueprints I asked and paid for by the carpenter, was really tense at the beginning. I separated them into different groups so they could get to know each other but they would not loosen up and get over their prior rivalry. I had to break apart fights every so often and was worried that they would all leave. But since I kept my promise on giving them food good and cooked, they followed my lead. The elder groups even brought their resources over so we could use them, which I was extremely thankful for.

When I demanded that they socialize with each other more than commands and arguing, they slowly eased up and started to have small conversations instead of just demands to do their work right. And when I watched how they slowly got more used to one another, I could not help but feel really proud over both them and myself. Them for finally letting go of their past, and me for giving them something better to look forward to. A wooden house is much better than a cold warehouse, dirty alleyways or a dust covered and rotten small apartment. The meal time I always start that used to be tense and divided later turned out to be a comfortable chat between soon-to-be friends. It really warmed my heart when the scene of dinner slowly started to change, starting with small gestures of simply sitting with someone else than one’s own personal group. I make sure that I am the only one there when I start the fire, so no one else will see the panic session I go through when I shakily put the burnt bucket on top of it. I now have a proper cooking station but I usually let others cook or cook alone. I am constantly forcing myself to fight my fear of fire, because I need to cook the food to bring out taste and make the other’s work on staying worthwhile.

After those long weeks of constant work, me having taught an older street rat how to read the blueprints so he could manage the construction while I was off on work, our house was done. It is not remarkable but it is better than any previous living conditions they had. The main room which has a fire pit in the middle is just enough for all 20 of us. We are a large group and we do not have enough room for each of them to have as their own. So we have 4 bedrooms, the four splitting in the 4 groups they are most comfortable with. I have bought futons from different stores across town so all have one each. We do not have enough money for blankets yet, but we have at least 8 from the resources the street rats have gathered up. I hope that I can buy a few more blankets for the non benders to prepare for winter. It is far from the work of a professional but it is sturdy enough so we know it will not fall due to a storm. I am still living in my own cottage, finding it more practical since I have all of my things there. But also because a small part of me still is slightly wary of them. They have lived a completely different life than I have so even though I want to, I simply cannot get accustomed to their presence just yet. They are loud, that is one of the major points I have a problem with. Even though I might have been acquaintance with the youngest of the street rats group, the five children cannot compare to the amount of noise they create all four groups together. And their stench still unnerves me… I have them wash in the river and spray perfume on them and in their house, but the stench always come back. I do not have enough money to buy them cleaning utensils… They suggest stealing, but I refuse, telling them to stick to the tasks and patrols I give them. We will make a huge breakthrough with my idea soon, I know it.

The house being practical is just an excuse to make me accept our mediocre work. I do not want to face this flaw, but I am spoiled no matter how much I do not want to be. And I shall remain spoiled and dominant until I am forced into bad conditions, which I truly have not experienced. My attitude might never change just how my honor never will.

A gentle hand is placed on my shoulder, making me jump in surprise as I am wretched out from the memories of building a house with the street rats. I look up with wide eyes, immediately relaxing when I see that it is my boss, the owner of this cafe who is a very kind middle aged lady. If it were not for her kindness, I would not have gotten a job to support myself and now have my merry little band of underlings. I hope they have found something useful yet.

“Lin, why don’t you end your shift early. With how much you’ve worked today, you’ve earned it.” Miss Kyla says to me, a kind smile on her face with a touch of pity in her eyes. I see, my boss is telling me to go home since the subject of my ‘mother’ was brought up. Does this woman think that I am that weak? My pride refuse to leave earlier, however I have street rats to take care of. And question if they got any reputation that is worthwhile.

I look up at the watch hanging on the wall, seeing that it is about 20 minutes left before my shift ends. Wow, this is really considerate of her. 5 minutes, I would have understood, but 20 is really generous of her. I look back towards my boss, my eyes widening just a little bit more to show her my surprise and confusion. I have to force my pride down so that I would accept her offer.

“But-... Miss Kyla, it is 20 minutes left until my shift ends. I cannot possibly-”

“Oh, you will.” Kyla interrupts me, placing a hand on top of my head which makes me smile widely at her for some strange reason. It might be because affectionate adult contact like this is rare for me. Kyla’s smile grows wider at my reaction. “This is your boss giving you orders and I will not take ‘no’ as an answer, go home with you. And take some sugar crystals with you as well, you always seem to love them.”

I cannot help but let my smile grow wider when she says that. I, myself, do not find those sweets that appetizing after two crystals but my street rats are a completely different story. When they get sugar crystals, it is as if they are in heaven. I suppose it is because they have never really had any sweets previous to meeting me, I am used to much more delicious food than some simple sweets so I do not know of such happiness. I do not know if I can ever go back to that comfortable life style… But it is better for me to have a harsh life full of choices than have a comfortable one where everything is decided for me. That is something I will never be a part of again. However, if my idea break through, we will all be living a good life in a few years.

After I have said my goodbyes, I walk towards my home with a bag of sugar crystals in hand. I put one of the crystals in my mouth and smile slightly at the sweetness. It may not be as good as nanny's cookies, but its sweetness reminds me of home… Nanny’s cakes are delicious. I wish I could have some hot fire flakes...

I let my thoughts wander, like I always end up doing, as I walk through the city and up a hill. I follow the small dirt path towards my home, surrounded by pure red autumn leaves and forest creatures singing around me. I wonder what my father and mother are doing. Mother is possibly working in the garden, or taking care of her own perfume company. Perhaps she found a new flower to make new scents from. She absolutely loves her garden and spend all her spare time there, it is her own version of meditation. Father must be either planning another raid on earth benders or performing one right at this moment. He is always busy with writing reports when he is at home. The water benders were all captured a few years ago from what I've heard. The last one was in the South Pole but father was not the one who accomplished it. He simply asked if the last one was taken care of and if there were any more hiding in the earth kingdom. Now there are only water benders up in North Pole. But that place is impossible to reach at the moment since they have other things to focus on. Mainly the resistance in the colonies. If I had entered that school... Would father have been proud of me? Would he have let me plan raids together with him when I grow older if I had stayed? I do not know and I will never be able to find out. He is too disappointed in me to take me back now. I ran away, so I have to stay away.

I come back to reality as I see the house me and my street rats built together. The clearing is large and the youngest kids are playing some ball together outside. I’m very proud of them all, we did a great job with the house. And I am also proud that they're following my instructions. We still need a organization name….

I approach the house with a smile, waving towards the younger kids when they spot me. I suppose I should go and check on the older ones inside first before I go to my own house. I’ve given them food so they’ll handle themselves for the day, I have other stuff to do. I step inside and take off my shoes, noting that there are only one pair of shoes by the doorstep. So either only one is inside or more. Because only the 5 oldest of my street rats have their own shoes.

“Have the others not co-?” I start to ask as I look up, but immediately freeze up in fear for what I see. I can’t help but take a step back, getting far away from that thing, that thing that has plagued my nightmares for years. And it's not covered. It's not protected..! It can run free!

Fire…. _Fire_...

There’s a cooking fire in the middle of the main room, placed specifically in a hole of dirt so it can spread heat through the house during winter. They’re cooking some fish over it, so I suppose they have been fishing by the river. My arms start to heat up as I look at it, having stared at it good too long wake up memories that I do not want to remember. I'm frozen in fear.

_I lock myself in my room, not remembering at the moment that no one is in the house. The tears that I have kept at bay burst forth now that I am safe, safe from prying eyes both from strangers and especially my parents. I sit down in the middle of the room, crying my heart out because they got to me today. Their words cut through me like a knife._

A disappointment to your family. _They said. And it is true. I am a disappointment. I am afraid of what makes me strong, my fire. The wretched thing that is now burning brightly inside of me because of my emotional state. I could be so much more if I was not such a coward!_

_I curl up further, crying like I have never done before, letting down all my barriers for this moment only as a flood of pain and misery comes out of me through my tears. My surroundings get warmer, but I hardly pay any attention to it. Not until I can feel an itch on my burn marks, which causes me to look up to scratch the surface of my gloves._

_Fire, all around me. Spreading its evil limbs over the furniture and surrounding me. Grinning evilly at my petrified state. I escape but it keeps on coming after me. A constant shadow I can never get away from. Waiting until I fall so it can rip me into shreds._

_Fire, fire, fire everywhere! I was the one who created it! I will die by its hand! It will eat me up like it ate my arms!_

“Lin! What’s wrong!?”

I did not notice when I started shaking, nor when someone came close to me. My first thought was that the fire had crawled over when it saw me, flashing its evil grin. I react on instinct, jumping away from the source of the sound, closing my eyes and running out from the house in panic. I do not hear anything, simply the sound of my memories as the devil of nightmares stare back at me. I hate this. I hate that I am so afraid.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” I cannot help but scream out as I run but accidentally trip on a rock. I scrape my knees as I fall but I sit up and turn towards the house, shaking like a leaf in fright. I hold out a hand in front of me as protection, knowing that it will launch towards me, like it has done so many times, if I am not careful.

“It will hurt me! I-It will eat me!! G-GET IT AWAY FROM ME!”

I myself do not notice how much of a madwoman I sound like as I scream this, eyes closed tightly and curled up on the ground. But it gets only worse when I feel my arms getting warmer and open my eyes to see. Like so many other times, I have started to burn due to my emotional state. And like so many other times, it always starts off with my hands, crawling up my arm. When I see my own fire gently brush against me, I scream.

I scream, panicking and waving my arms around to try and make it get away, but it only crawls further up my arms, slowly making its way up my gloves. I frantically stumble up, trying to brush away the fire as I continue to scream, tears running down my eyes.

“NO! NONONONONONO! G-GET AWAY! LU TEN! HELP!”

The hit comes so suddenly I do not have any time to react. And in my panicked state, I would not possibly been able to avoid that punch to my face. So I am hit and fall to the ground. The world around me goes black for a second before it all  comes back and I can hear a lot of voices, worried voices. Voices that are worried for me.

“W-what’s happening!? What’s wrong!?”

“I don’t know, she just started screaming!”

“Waaaaah! L-Liiin! I-I’m scaaaaared!”

“Don’t cry, she-! She’ll be alright!”

These voices make me stop momentarily in my panic as I lie there on the ground, my eyes wide in shock. It has been so long since I got hit in the face….

I soon feel the heat on my arms again and I am just about to plunge into my panic once again when a pair of strong arms grab onto my shoulders with a firm grip.They lift me off the ground, shaking me as I flinch at the sudden contact, my eyes still wide as I stare up at the one holding me. Chey, 17 years old… A fighter… Strong, male, angry… Yellow eyes, black flat hair…

“What the hell is wrong with you!? Get a grip Lin!”

I am completely numb for a while as I stare at him before I realize that he’s touching me, touching my shoulders. That'll soon be lit on fire. I immediately start to struggle in his grip but since he is larger and healthy now, he is stronger than me.

“No, no!! Y-You will be burned!!! Let go!!”

“Burned? What are you talking about!? I can’t be burned! I’m a fire bender!”

I freeze up again, staring into Chey’s glowing yellow eyes as a few more tears escape my own amber ones. He… he’s a fire bender too….. He- He can fight my fire… I get a desperate look on my face as I stare up at Chey, in need for comfort and help.

“P-Please…. M-Make it go away… I-It will hurt me… Please just make it go away…!”

Chey looks conflicted at my plea but nether less looks down at my arms. The heat doesn’t disappear, not yet, so I simply close my eyes and cry as I do my best to ignore the fire, knowing now that there is someone who can take it away. Gradually, I start to calm down, comforted by Chey’s presence, and in turn so does my fire. Once the heat is not escaping my skin any longer, Chey releases my shoulders and stay on his knees in front of me. I just continue to sit there, crying silently since I just want those horrible memories to just go away. Those memories of being burnt and burning things I did not want to burn. I want to go back, back to that time when my fire did not hurt me. Back to the time when fire bending was… fun. I remember the joy I felt, the wonder I felt when I watched my fire take form. Now, I am simply scared that it will hurt me…

“..... Lin, are you…? Are you afraid of fire…?”

I curl up into a ball, trying to hide myself from the world when I hear that question. I do not know who it was that asked it, but it does not matter. Because I am ashamed of it, disgusted by how much of a coward I am. If I had Lu Ten, he would be able to make me calm down. But he is dead… And Zuko is at the palace… No one I completely trust is here to help me and I am absolutely miserable about it. So I stay quiet, too ashamed to answer that question.

“But…. You’re a fire bender, right? How can you be afraid when it’s something that lives within you, something that’s part of you?”

That voice sounds a lot closer, it must be Chey. I simply curl up further, shaking slightly as I fruitlessly try to hold back my tears. Them pointing it out does not make this a better experience for me. It becomes the opposite. I can see fathers disappointed face right in front of me.

“B-be quiet…” I whisper, digging my fingers into my knees to distract myself from my incoming tears. “Be quiet…”

“Huuuh? Be quiet? Why should I? You’re just so pathetic!” He's angry now.. angry at my own weakness.

“Chey, stop it! Can’t you see that she feels bad about it!?”

“Shut up Saikhan!” He screams and I can hear him stand up, probably to scream at the girl who defended me. “She’s always so high and mighty, looking down on us from her high chair! But look at her now! She’s a wreck! Can you really say that you hold any type of respect for her now!? I sure as hell don’t! She’s afraid of _fire_ , the very thing that’s a part of her! That's just so stupid!”

I open my eyes and look up when I feel someone stepping closer. I cannot help but flinch at the angry and betrayed look in Chey’s eyes when I see him. He really hates me… just because of my fear…?

“Here I thought you were someone special, someone who could turn this twisted world around for the better! But you’re just a snobby little kid, looking for ways to make _your_ life better! You're afraid of the only thing that can protect you!? What?! Are you afraid of the dark too!? Just how much of a coward are you if you’re afraid of something that’s a part of you!? How the hell can someone so strong be such a fucking scaredy cat!?”

Something within me wants to prove him wrong, that I am not a coward, that I _am_ strong like he think I am. At the moment though, the fear overrules that desire to prove myself as I continue to stare into Chey’s eyes. I have really disappointed him, without meaning to. I did not want them to know of my fear, which is why I rarely enter their house. I mostly interact with them when we are outside. That might make it seem like I do think of myself on a higher position than them but that is not the truth. I cannot stand the smell they emit in the house and their body odor, sure, but it is also because of that hole we have in there for the fire. I do not want to be close to it if I can help it.

I cannot see those angry yellow eyes anymore as he walk away. When they are gone from my line of sight, I calm down. The fear slowly disappears as I rise up from the ground. Chey is walking away. If I let him walk away, he will never come back again.They are doubting my leadership. I do not want to be a coward, but can I really trust him to keep my fire in control? I want to go back, go back to loving fire again, but I am not sure if I can do that without help. The only help I want is Lu Ten or Zuko. But right now, the only help I have is Chey. If Chey walks away, I will never, ever be able to trust my fire in my whole life. I will always be seen as a coward because of it. I will always be ashamed of myself, just like he is ashamed of me right now. I have to make him stay, I have to make him understand where my fear comes from. I have to show him… I have to calm down.

I cannot let him walk away.

“Chey.” I call out to him, my voice trembling but firm and determined despite the fear still coursing through me. I do not know how many others are around me but I doubt that is of any significance. I speak like this when I demand order, the determination of a leader. Chey does not stop, so I call out to him again, quickly standing up and taking a few steps closer to him but not following.

"Chey! Please, listen to-"

"Listen to what!?" He interrupt me, stopping and turning around to glare at me. He is showing defiance... Now that he has seen my weakness, he is not affected by my command. I used this method to have them cooperate in the beginning, having been stronger than them and forcing them to submission when they did not listen. Like my father taught me....

"To your excuses!? I'm not following some weak little brat, you might've given me food and shelter, but you're still acting like a stuck up royal! I'm not some puppet or servant you can use, you've been rubbing me the wrong way since the start and I'm TIRED of listening to a brat like you!" 

I flinch slightly at his harsh tone, fists clenched tightly. I have to make him see that I really am strong, that I can change. I do not want to be called a coward, not by someone I practically own. I take care of them, my street rats, they are my small family. I do not want one of them to walk away. I can already feel the doubting looks behind me... So I take a deep, shaky breath, biting my lip. I have to do something,.... Think, think. How can I show I can be brave!? I come up with one idea.... But it is risky. Very risky for my mental stability. But I have to do something or i will lose everything I have built up these last months!

“.... Agni.... Kai...” I Say to him, starting to tremble slightly at the thought. But I look up at Chey, tears in my eyes but still determined. I can hear someone breathe out a gasp in surprise at my weak deceleration so I say it louder just so they can hear it better. I can do this... I WILL do this. I will prove I am strong!

"Chey! I... Challange you... To an Agni Kai! If you win... I will leave... I will start anew elsewhere and YOU can be in charge of taking care of the children! But if I win... You will listen to ME."

Chey narrow his eyes slightly, smirking at the thought. He thinks he can beat me, that it'll be easy since I'm so afraid. I can do this... I will do this! He step forward, cracking his knuckles with an wider grin. I flinch slightly as he light his hands on fire, struggling to hold back my trembles. I... I will do this...!  
  
"It's a deal, brat. Let's do it. Here and now."

I nod slightly, swallowing hard as i focus my gaze on his eyes. Someone walk forward to place a comforting hand on my shoulder. I can recognize the voice as Ikem, wanting to console me.

"Hotaru... It's okay... We don't need him..."  
  
I shake my head, determined to see this through as I turn to look at my friend. My first companion... Despite the fear within myself, despite how much I want to run, I need to do this. So I give him a weak smile, starting to untie the sash holding my outer robe up.  
  
"We need everyone... Everyone has an important part to play... Even you..."  
  
After I've told him this, I shake off his shoulder, avoiding to look at Chey as I walk more into the middle of the clearing. I remove my robe on the way to the middle, revealing the crop top tank top i wear underneath. As a spur of the moment decision, I remove my gloves as well, throwing them back towards my top. They're as disgusting as always, twisted, red skin all over my arms. I'm crying slightly in fear, trembling as I turn towards Chey. He's shocked by the state of my arms if I read his expression right, but I'm too focused to let that affect me.  
  
 _Hideous. disgusting. Awful. Scared. Pathetic. Freak. Disappointment._

All the words of my past repeat themselves, making my body tremble more. I don't even notice when Chey walk into position, more confident as he see me freak out. I turn my back to him, crouching down as you should when you prepare for a fire battle. I can hear Chey speak, but I'm just waiting for it to be quiet. I can feel my heart racing, sweat clinging to my forehead as I prepare myself. I have to do this. I have to do this. My whole body is heating up, my fire being prepared to be used again. Do not focus on fire. Focus on direction, momentum. Do not focus on the flames. I rise from the ground once it feels right to do so, turning to Chey and raising my arm in my firebending stance. I can see my hideous arm in the corner of my eye, making me breathe harder in panic. Do not focus on arm. Focus on opponent. Movements. Kata that you have trained for years. You are a prodigy. then PROVE IT!

"Begin!"

As soon as I hear that word, I scream out in determination and fear as I start with punching towards my opponent, releasing a large, glowing ball of-... It's alive, as alive and bright as I remember it. And Chey start to lose his confidence as he sees me firebend... I am powerful! I am strong!

_We’ll start our own organization, an organization which will be neutral. They will know of me and my past in return for their abilities. We’ll spin this world in the direction we want it to. We can become a major organization which can be the savior of the world. We can become an information network, an organization fully focusing on selling information to others. We just have to come up with a name, a base and how to start our information flow… I need to win... If you fight, you WILL win! I CAN be brave!!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The organization is forming. It's all falling in place. Now, it's not just about Hotaru anymore.
> 
> What will the organization name be?? Can you guess? X3

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaand the first one is done!  
> Leave Kudos or comments if you feel like it. Good or bad comments, I don't care. I'm open to learn!  
> I hope you'll stick with me on this story, You're in for a ride.


End file.
